Anyway, I had a wonderful day at college yesterday.
I defended my homework assignment and got a 100% but I kind of flunked the test at 50%.
When I scale it down I got 8/10 points.
I need to do better than that.
I am too tired to do anything much about my studies.
I copied some material from when I slept through some classes a few days ago and I have to catch up on that one of these days.
Next week is exam week so I'm supper stressed, borderline depressed, well on the way of becoming a chain smoker and just plain miserable.
I have 5 exams of which I really need to study for about 4 because the fifth is English and well, you can see I do well in English, with my CPE passed with flying colors and all.
I TOLD my mom NOT to pack sweets, but she did it anyway.
Now I have three rows of chocolate cake sitting in my fridge and I'm torn between eating it all and throwing it all away.
I feel guilty about wasting food though.
I feel guilty about eating food too.
I don't know what to do.
250g cooked peas 200 + 100(other ingredients which I can't track)
50g feta cheese 110
a piece of cake 250(?)
a cup of spaghetti 157 + 100 (other ingredients which I can't track)
20g ketchup 30
Which adds up to around 950 if my estimates are correct.
I can't even begin to describe the whole process of thinking about mom's food.
Something that goes on in my mind every time I eat her food is:
"So this is generally blabla, it weighs blabla more or less, and that adds up to blabla cal.
In my portion there is a spoon of blabla probably so add that.
And some blabla add that too."
And when I add it all, I add another 50 for good measure, because I could be wrong in my overall estimates.
I also can't get up and put every single thing on my plate on the kitchen scale, because that would raise some awkward issues that I don't want to talk about with her.
What I mean is, come on, I'm almost 20 and my problems consist of exams in college, boys, shitty friends, my ED and equal money distribution to last for the month.
Some of you have it really rough, and I'm sorry about that.
I hope things take a turn for the better for all of you.
Much love <3
it is a beautiful quote. in fact, all of your quotes are gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteshhhhhh. breathe in, sweetie. this too shall pass. hopefully soon. <3
that sucks. i find that throwing away food is easier than just eating it. though that's just me. there's always the crushing guilt of throwing away something, but guilt disappears too. oh, and that cat is adorable!
this sounds right enough to be honest.
see - i live in a family where i can do that and it wouldn't be weird at all. they're used to my neuroses for one bit and think they are normal. i could be having an auditory hallucination and they'd think i was lying. xD
a disadvantage and an advantage to every situation.
"I get thinking that my problems are insignificant compared to yours." don't ever think that. never.
"I'm almost 20 and my problems consist of exams in college, boys, shitty friends, my ED and equal money distribution to last for the month."
you cannot measure pain. you cannot measure how horrible a person's life is versus anything. if it hurts you, it matters. that's just about it.
-Sam Lupin
Thanks Sammy, I just thought that someone might find that offensive and I just wanted to say that I didn't mean anything by it.
ReplyDeleteWell, you see, my mom kind of found and burned some notebook I had that was about EDs and she knew about purging. And I just don't want to go through the talk with her because everything I could ever say to her about that would be a lie, lie lie.
I know that, but still it seems I have it easy compared to some of the people here.
<3