You're not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier. You have lost your muchness.

I had a great day in academic sense. I finally corrected all my math notes.
I have an exam on Monday in C programming and on Tuesday in algorithms and data structures.
I have two days to prepare for that.

About my eating today, I did better than yesterday, but I must lower it still. It feels like too much.
I need to feel empty, although I know it's not a good idea right now.

1 cup of chicken 231
1 cup rice 194
100g feta cheese 221
400ml orange juice 180
Total 826

I'm guessing that I'll be okay if I keep my calorie intake around 800-900 these days but as soon as my exams pass I have to lower it to 500 or somewhere along those lines.
I can't risk my grades for my ED. I just can't.

I feel torn between academic success and starving myself.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.

“I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.”

Hey loves
I have a lot of things to report today but I'm too tired to type much, so I'll just stick with my intake for today:

4/3 cup of mixed vegetables  260
2/3 cup of chicken  300
2 cups of yogurt   265
1 cup of nougat coffee  170
Total:   995

I'm going up on my calorie intake. It's awful.
I have to go down to 700.
I hate this.

I could barely function without coffee this morning so I just had to buy it, because I spent 8 hours at college and I would be dead on my feet again without it.
I know it's not an excuse, but I needed that.

And when I came back, I had was so hungry, it wasn't even funny.
I heated up a lot of food and just started shoveling it in.
I stopped after two cups though, thank God.

I guess my hungry hungry shovel food attacks are due to the monthly fairy's visit these days, but I wish I could stop myself.

I mean I understand that my BMR slightly goes up when I'm on my period, and I understand that I need the nutrition with my exams coming up, but I thought I had better control over myself than that.

Much love <3

“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.” -The Catcher in the Rye

Hey loves
I finally caught up on my sleep last night, but I have to study tonight so tomorrow I'll be dead on my feet again. Sigh.
On the bright side I'm learning about C- the programming language, which is awesome.

About my eating today:
3 cups of peas 339 + 200
2 cups of yogurt  163
Irish cappuccino 220(? I found it online, but with cream and I didn't have cream on mine)
total: 922

I guess I should be happy as long as I am not over 1000, but I can't help but beat myself over the cappuccino thing. I'm so stupid. Why do I do that to myself?

Anyway, a friend, ToothyGrin, is sleeping over. Right now, he's sitting across from me, studying something about law, and he thinks I'm writing a code for college.
The worst part is that he believes me without question and I lie to everyone so much.
I often catch myself spacing out when he talks to me. It's not that I'm not interested in what he has to say, it's just that I can't help it.
I have a strangely wired brain. One word is enough to send me spiraling into a train of thought that ends so far away from the original subject. I think of my brain as a stray alley cat.

Much love <3

Shooting stars are just cigarettes thrown away by angels before God could catch them smoking.

Hey loves

About the title, I'm not religious. I just liked the quote.
Anyway, I had a wonderful day at college yesterday.
I defended my homework assignment and got a 100% but I kind of flunked the test at 50%.
When I scale it down I got 8/10 points.
I need to do better than that.

Today was okay, although I almost fell asleep on my feet.
I am too tired to do anything much about my studies.
I copied some material from when I slept through some classes a few days ago and I have to catch up on that one of these days.
Next week is exam week so I'm supper stressed, borderline depressed, well on the way of becoming a chain smoker and just plain miserable.
I have 5 exams of which I really need to study for about 4 because the fifth is English and well, you can see I do well in English, with my CPE passed with flying colors and all.

Food wise, things are not going well.
I TOLD my mom NOT to pack sweets, but she did it anyway.
Now I have three rows of chocolate cake sitting in my fridge and I'm torn between eating it all and throwing it all away.
I feel guilty about wasting food though.
I feel guilty about eating food too.
I don't know what to do.

Today went (or will go because the spaghetti and ketchup are also waiting in the fridge for the dinner-cry-eat pity party I'm attending with myself tonight) more or less like this:
250g cooked peas  200 + 100(other ingredients which I can't track)
50g feta cheese 110
a piece of cake 250(?)
a cup of spaghetti 157 + 100 (other ingredients which I can't track)
20g ketchup 30
Which adds up to around 950 if my estimates are correct.

I hate not being able to count calories properly.
I can't even begin to describe the whole process of thinking about mom's food.
Something that goes on in my mind every time I eat her food is:
"So this is generally blabla, it weighs blabla more or less, and that adds up to blabla cal.
In my portion there is a spoon of blabla probably so add that.
And some blabla add that too."
And when I add it all, I add another 50 for good measure, because I could be wrong in my overall estimates.
I also can't get up and put every single thing on my plate on the kitchen scale, because that would raise some awkward issues that I don't want to talk about with her.

Sometimes, when I'm on here and read what some of you are going through in life generally, I get thinking that my problems are insignificant compared to yours.
What I mean is, come on, I'm almost 20 and my problems consist of exams in college, boys, shitty friends, my ED and equal money distribution to last for the month.
Some of you have it really rough, and I'm sorry about that.
I hope things take a turn for the better for all of you.

Much love <3

Don't paint me black when I used to be golden

Hey loves
Yesterday was a hard day.
It made me put some things into perspective.
Today is a little better.

I am still recovering from the e-mail but I've decided not to stop posting.
My blog will not be found on Google search anymore.
That's all I can do to prevent naive and young people from finding this and thinking that it will help them get an eating disorder.
I hope it will be enough.

Meanwhile, I'm still home.
It was a rocky emotional weekend here too.
How can I feel so much in so little time?

I didn't eat too much.
Well, not as much as I expected to eat.
Some pizza, some cake, mom's special recipe for fried potatoes.
I am not going to lie and say I didn't eat a lot.
Because I did.
And I didn't count a thing.
There was no point.
Mom puts too many ingredients in her meals to keep track of all of them.

And on the main stage, the scale.
Well, you know how I said that I felt like I was somewhere in the 150s?
Not quite.
149.8.
I stepped a lot and on different surfaces just to check.
It stayed 149.8.
I thought I weighed more than that.
I can't say I'm happy about it, but it seems Blondie didn't lie.

On a side note, I have a homework assignment from algorithms and data structures that I'm supposed to be doing right now.
And I'm here posting on Blogger.
I am too irresponsible.

Much love <3

Before you know it it’s 3 am and you’re 80 years old and you can’t remember what it was like to have 20 year old thoughts or a 10 year old heart.

Hey loves

There are some things I feel I need to say, so I'm just going to go ahead and say them.
I know I have problems with myself.
I know I have problems with my self-perception.
I know I have an eating disorder.

And I need to stress this:
IT IS NOT GLAMOROUS.
IT IS NOT AWESOME.
I DON'T STARVE MYSELF OR BINGE OR PURGE TO BE THIN.
I DON'T LIE TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY BECAUSE I LIKE TO DO THAT.
I DON'T TRY TO PULL ANYONE INTO THIS WITH MY WORDS OR THE PICTURES THAT I POST.
I ADMIT THAT I AM NOT WELL, MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY.

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE ME.

I got an e-mail last night from a girl asking me how to be anorexic.
And I felt horrible to be the one reading it.
I ended up crying.

It was not a choice for me.
I didn't get up one day and said:
"Hey, let's try that ED thing, it sounds like fun".
It was more like I got up one day and I went to bed and I kind of forgot to eat.
That felt powerful. I was finally in control of my life.
So I did it again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.
I felt it had meaning.
I thought I could stop starving and binging and purging whenever I chose to because I was not ill, right?
Wrong Wrong WRONG AGAIN

When you finally say to yourself:
"This is not healthy. I am hurting myself. I should stop doing this."
and realize that you just can't stop, because you feel as if everything has been thrown into chaos the day you start eating normal again, that's when you realize that yes, you are sick.

And it doesn't really matter how old you  are or what your BMI is, or even if you want to stop.
The only thing holding up the wall is the numbers crumbling under your starving and you need to keep that wall up.
That is what an eating disorder feels like.
You DON'T WANT that, ever ever ever.

If you want to lose some pounds, be my guest.
Go. Exercise. Run. Keep a healthy diet. 1200 cal a day MINIMUM.
But DON'T ASK for an illness to get you there.
Only the people who have been through this probably understand what I'm trying to say, but I'm saying it anyway for all the people who are like the girl who sent the mail yesterday.

And I have to say that I'm sorry if some people here find my posts triggering, and I'm sorry for all the people who think reading my blog will give them an eating disorder, and I'm just sorry.

I don't mean for my blog to be "thinspiring".
I just post about what I feel.
I put pictures that I like, not the things that trigger me.
I am sorry that I posted that stuff about wintergirls.
I am sorry that I post my intakes and weight.
I am sorry about that stepping on a scale thing that I posted yesterday.
I didn't realize how damaging it could get.

Maybe I should stop posting again.
I don't want to be the reason that pulls someone into this hell.
And I'm crying again.

Much love <3

Don’t kiss me if you’re afraid of thunder. My life is a storm.

Hey loves

I'm going home tonight.
I don't know how I feel about that yet. *sigh*

Oh, Sammy's comment earned me a plus at college. (I hope you're reading this and feeling proud Sammy)
We were doing stack memory and it works like this: the first thing that goes into stack memory is the last one that gets out.
The teacher asked if we could think of an example of that in real life and I just said PRINGLES!
And he actually loved the example. It felt awesome to be appreciated.

So today I ate
50g of cookes         220

I can't promise that will be all for today because mom is making all my favorite food tonight, but I'll try.
I would feel guilty if I ate, and guilty if I didn't, so that leaves me wondering which is the worse of two evils?

And today was generally okay. I went to a coffee shop with a friend from college, Camel (the brand of cigarettes he smokes), and we organized a little competition in solving sudoku between the two of us. I won, but I do recall being obsessed with it a few years ago so no surprise there.

I'm still anxious about the whole stepping on a scale thing.
I feel as if it will enable me control and make me lose it at the same time.
I know it makes no sense, but I can be conflicted like that sometimes.
Somehow, I believe I'm in the 150s but I don't know for sure.
I hope I muster the courage to find out tomorrow morning.

I remember the ritual I had a few years ago.
I would get up before everyone else, run to the bathroom, then check if everyone was sleeping.
Take of my clothes and step on the scale.
First one foot as if testing, then the other.
Eyes closed.
I remember the fear of gaining and the displeasure of not losing enough when I dared to look.
I would step on it three times, each much more rapid than the last, just to check, just to be sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.
And then I would step off, put my clothes on again and go back to bed.

Thinking about it now, makes me see just how deep into the madness I had gone.
Falling down the rabbit hole indeed.
When I imagined it, I always thought I would be stuck half way through, because I was too fat to fall.
Not good enough, again.
I lost the white rabbit, again.
And what was that about being late?

Much love <3

But I’ve had the invitation that a sinner can’t refuse. And it’s almost like salvation. It’s almost like the blues.

Hey loves

I am in a very good mood.
It's been an awesome day.
It's been warm and sunny, and my teachers were curiously funny. (I even rhyme now, good God what is wrong with me?)
And I'm not tired one bit although I slept less than four hours last night.

And I have found a system that enables me to study effectively.
If I learn one topic for college, I am allowed to read one chapter of the story.
Works like a charm.

Oh, and I've developed an unhealthy taste for Leonard Cohen's music.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I took some lyrics as headings of the last few posts.
His voice just kind of soothes me and I love it.
At the moment I'm hooked on You've got me singing, but that's just the day's favorite.

I heard yesterday from an old friend from Petnica.
He called me to talk and it felt so good to hear his laugh again.
He suggested to meet up some time before Easter and I can't wait.


About my eating today, I was not very happy although I was finally able to find the kitchen scale and measure my food.
About the pasta thing, Who puts the nutritional info along with how to cook instructions? Anyway my estimate for a cup was waaaaaay off. It has 310 cal / 100g which is a lot better than I expected.

So today looked more or less like this:
12 cookies  40x12 = 480
(I don't even know why I ate them)
a cup of pasta 310
50g of feta cheese 110

Which makes my intake around 900.


As long as I'm under 1000 I'm not going to complain.
I'm planning on rice and vegetables tomorrow, but we'll see.

I'm going home for the weekend. I have mixed feelings about that.
On one hand I want to see my family badly, on the other there's a scale there.
I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I haven't stepped on one for about 6 months.
The thought of knowing my weight again makes me strangely afraid and excited at the same time.

And I was sure I wanted to mention another thing, but I guess it slipped my mind and for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

Much love <3