Hey loves
There are some things I feel I need to say, so I'm just going to go ahead and say them.
I know I have problems with myself.
I know I have problems with my self-perception.
I know I have an eating disorder.
IT IS NOT GLAMOROUS.
IT IS NOT AWESOME.
I DON'T STARVE MYSELF OR BINGE OR PURGE TO BE THIN.
I DON'T LIE TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY BECAUSE I LIKE TO DO THAT.
I DON'T TRY TO PULL ANYONE INTO THIS WITH MY WORDS OR THE PICTURES THAT I POST.
I ADMIT THAT I AM NOT WELL, MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY.
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE ME.
I got an e-mail last night from a girl asking me how to be anorexic.
And I felt horrible to be the one reading it.
I ended up crying.
I didn't get up one day and said:
"Hey, let's try that ED thing, it sounds like fun".
It was more like I got up one day and I went to bed and I kind of forgot to eat.
That felt powerful. I was finally in control of my life.
So I did it again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.
I felt it had meaning.
I thought I could stop starving and binging and purging whenever I chose to because I was not ill, right?
Wrong Wrong WRONG AGAIN
"This is not healthy. I am hurting myself. I should stop doing this."
and realize that you just can't stop, because you feel as if everything has been thrown into chaos the day you start eating normal again, that's when you realize that yes, you are sick.
The only thing holding up the wall is the numbers crumbling under your starving and you need to keep that wall up.
That is what an eating disorder feels like.
You DON'T WANT that, ever ever ever.
Go. Exercise. Run. Keep a healthy diet. 1200 cal a day MINIMUM.
But DON'T ASK for an illness to get you there.
Only the people who have been through this probably understand what I'm trying to say, but I'm saying it anyway for all the people who are like the girl who sent the mail yesterday.
I just post about what I feel.
I put pictures that I like, not the things that trigger me.
I am sorry that I posted that stuff about wintergirls.
I am sorry that I post my intakes and weight.
I am sorry about that stepping on a scale thing that I posted yesterday.
I didn't realize how damaging it could get.
I don't want to be the reason that pulls someone into this hell.
And I'm crying again.
Much love <3
I avoid blogs who glamorize or deny their eating disorders, but it is only those who are sick and hurting already who think "I'd like an eating disorder." A healthy mind does not read our descriptions of self-torture and find them appealing. Don't blame yourself, love.
ReplyDeleteI am aware of that, but why would anyone even want this just for the sake of losing weight?
DeleteI was following a blog a few years back CurvyFitGirl. She is amazing. She lost a lot of weight in a healthy way.
She didn't need an eating disorder to do that. And if she could do it, why not the girl?
I feel as if she thinks she will get an easy way out of dieting and exercising if she ''learns" to be eating-disordered. But it doesn't quite work that way, does it?
And she needs to know that.
Everyone who ever wished for that needs to know that.
I know what you mean, and I'm certainly not saying we shouldn't be responsible about what we do or say, or that there is no choice at all with eating disorders (research shows that putting healthy people on calorie restriction leads to obsessive thoughts - ie the WWII starvation study). I think deciding to take your blog off search engines and emailing that girl back are good things.
DeleteIf I were talking to her I would warn her that I was never actually fat before my ED took hold. That most people with EDs are not ultrathin. That my ED is what led to me being actually obese.
I would tell her that even when you are thin, with an ED you don't enjoy it because you can't believe it. There will be fleeting satisfaction when someone compliments your weight or you see a number you like on the scale, but you will spend the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of your day chasing that high, trying desperately to hold onto the number, to beat the number - because you will inevitably realize, once you reach a goal, that it's just not good enough and you need to push farther. Being sick doesn't make you thin or beautiful.
I don't know really what was I supposed to say to that.
DeleteI know she probably speed read through the blogs.
But I'm afraid she had already made up her mind, because I tried to explain to the best of my ability that an eating disorder isn't really what she wants, but I got no reply.
So that would be the end of that.
oh my God. what happened?
ReplyDeletethe whole non-glamorising aspect...i'm wondering what set this off!
"I got an e-mail last night from a girl asking me how to be anorexic." oh, dear, i am so sorry.
(but it is only those who are sick and hurting already who think "I'd like an eating disorder.") <--Thor kitten (Tempest) is very right here.
sweetie, this is your blog.
you write what you need to write in it.
"I don't want to be the reason that pulls someone into this hell." breathe in, sweetie. it's not gonna happen, okay? because talking about schizophrenic or cancer isn't going to give another person that. because that's not possible. the ED is the same, sweetie.
breathe in.
weigh-in if you like. post intakes what you like. do whatever you like. it is your blog. it is your free space. don't blame yourself at all for anything. it's not your fault.
what would you tell me if i had posted this? (that always helps me when i'm thinking of things like this. it changes a lot of things).
-Sam Lupin
"because talking about schizophrenic or cancer isn't going to give another person that. because that's not possible. the ED is the same, sweetie."
DeleteI don't think it is.
I've seen sites that consider this a ''lifestyle''.
And I'm afraid that people too young to know better will be pulled into this and I don't want that.
I would probably tell you to hide it from Google search, because people wouldn't be able to find your blog that easily.
I would probably tell you to keep posting, because it's rationally not your fault.
I would probably tell you that she was too young to know better.
I don't know anymore.