It’s only love, it’s only pain, it’s only fear that runs through my veins, it’s all the things you can’t explain.... that make us human...

Today was boring.

Intake:
lemonade (37)
bread (201)
potato (220)
milk (330)

A huge nutella-out-of-the-jar kind of binge. Only not on nutella (thank you, God) but on rice cakes. xD
I purged it though.

Exercise:
5min elliptical 75
37min bike 325
15min treadmill 100
79min step machine 2000

Total: -1.212 + the binge

I still haven't weighed myself, but I renewed my gym membership.

EnglishRose Don't be. It happens.

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself...

Hey loves...
I'm sorry for my lack of posting last week but my life is kind of hectic right now.

After EnglishRose's comment I feel the need to define "binge":
To me a binge is:
1. over 1500 calories a day
2. over 200 in one sitting
3. any amount of calories eaten without control
4. any meal that wasn't planned on happening that day
So when I say I binged....well it could be any of the four.
So I'll make sure to clarify in the future.

I have no idea what my weight is right now.
Last time I checked (Tuesday) it was 151.9
I'm afraid to step on the scale right now.

I have an 18th birthday to attend to.
My almost-boyfriend-first-crush-ex-schoolmate is celebrating it.
And I'm a fat pregnant looking whale.

I need to be under 145 by 24th.
I'm tempted to not go at all.

I feel physically sick when I think of the party and me like a fat kid in a field of daisies.
A hippo on the treadmill trying for a unicorn.
A watermelon next to the cucumbers.
I can go on, you know?

So reasons for restricting the next two weeks:
1.I'm disgusting at this weight
2.The birthday party
3. Embarrassment when being weighed
4. Not being able to sleep=more time to study (I'm a geek, sue me :P )
5. Sick of my brother's clothes
6. Pumpkins don't marry princes

Pumpkin reference

Comments:

Emma I know, right? :D
I hate the feeling. On one side I know I will feel better when empty, on the other side I will feel like I've failed myself again. Why can't I sew my mouth shut?
Totally cheering for no eating after 6 pm.
<3

Wakey wakey

EnglishRose Petal, I've missed you A LOT. You've had me quite worried with the things you've posted recently. I'm glad you're okay though.
You can't possibly tell me that when you know how it feels when you hate yourself for being weak and eating.
<3

You know he's awesome.

Sammy Damon is overreacting as usual.
You know, if I could choose being a billionaire and being able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight and feeling bad, I would choose the second one within a heartbeat.
Don't remind me. I hate my life. This time last year I was exactly the same weight. Ugh. Shutting up now.
And if you asked me, I'd probably tell you: "anywhere from 0 to 3000?".  But you would probably guess as much.
xoxo

Believe in this one.

TinyRose I have two roses now. ;)
I can't stop myself.
Open the fridge. Look. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Take a bar. Put it back. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Eat the bar. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Eat everything. Purge everything. Close the fridge.
Something like this??
xoxo

I'll try everything again... Even though I said I wouldn't...

Hey loves...
Today was eventful *in the ED sense at least

Yesterday I had a strong resolve not to eat over 500 a day.
So this morning I ate 3 small mandarins (120) for breakfast
And my mom made cake.
The cherry vanilla kind.

And I was determined not to try it.
Except she made me.
One piece (380).

When she went to work all hell broke loose.
I ate two rows of it and purged it.
Then I binged on rice-meat-cabbage-bread and purged that too.
Then I went to the gym and burned 2600 on the stepper.

So nothing new in my life. xD
Starve. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Exercise.
I hate this.

Weight wise, I'm going down the rabbit hole.
153.7
It makes me okay with myself to know that I'm losing.

What I'll probably do 

Btw that vanilla cherry cake is still in the fridge.
And I crave it so badly.
The only thing stopping me from eating until I can't open my mouth anymore is the fact that it'll show on the scale tomorrow.
Mfp saying that if this goes on, I'll be 127 in 5 weeks helps too.

I don't know whether to be happy or scared or disgusted with myself.
I think I'll just stick with hate.


Stay strong lovelies <3

Only thing I could think of when the question is "When would you not feel guilty about eating?" I  obviously have problems.

Comments:

Emma Well in that case, I should drag you with me to the gym. <3

Neisa Rae I would love to read about your plans :) 13? That's awesome.
God, I hate the cycle. Especially before the period. It drives me insane.
Thanks, I try xD
Go. Run like the wind ;)

Ruby Thanks love <3 I hope you feel better yourself

Sammy Overexercising is a sweaty thing, love xDD
I like the purging comparison xD she also likes to make me miserable and bloated and gives me puffy eyes and hamster cheeks. Remind me again why I'm friends with her? XD
You'll see lower love. Just you wait.
I know that ED people usually have a distorted body image, but trust me, I would see myself as fat either way.
I see thin people and wonder if they have EDs too. I need a shrink.
<3

And even though nobody's watching....

Hello loves...
I've got some good and bad news...

Bad first?
Still overeating.
+1723
Still overexercising.
-2000

Anything new in the ED department?
Oh yes, purging came back full force.
I'm trying to stop it though.
So tell me what you want, what you really really want?
I wanna, I wanna, I really really wanna nice teeth.
So I HAVE to stop

Good news?
In the negativeeeee :)
Total: -277
My weight has dropped to 154.8
I don't think it will last, but we'll see.

November resolutions:
1. No binging
2. No purging
3. No eating after six pm
4. No eating bread
5. Goal weight 145 *preferably 140*
6. Goal measurements waist: 75 bust: 98
7. Goal intake 800 *preferably 500*
8. Goal water intake 2l *preferably more*
9. Goal exercise anything over 1000
10. Goal steps 5000 at least
11. Keep up the good grades in school.

I'm in my "I hate the world" mood right now.
Everyone makes me insane and I finally believe in the whole PMS syndrome.
Good I want to claw and bite at everyone so badly.
Be a good kitty is a really hard concept for me right now.

I hope you've had a few better days...

Stay strong lovelies <3

Comments:

Sammy I swear, you'll make me watch Glee so I can keep up with your posts... xD
Not helping. Your motivation. Or mine.
I judge myself enough for all of you. But thanks, it means a lot. <3
Believers, more often than not, burn up too caught up in their dreams.
Oh, trust me I know fat when I see it. Flabby, ugly, causing the gag reflex. Fat.
All the money I had, I spent it in good company <3 <3 <3 

K Oh, I won't lose it. I'll kill it and then burn the bridges, so it can't come back. xDD

Emma Thanks Love. Watching you is an inspiration. We started at the same weight, remember? ;) <3