She stays lost in the middle of her own world somewhere. You can’t get in and she doesn’t come out.

So I've been missing.
Again.
I have that horrible habit of disappearing from time to time.
Sue me.
Although I do feel bad about it.

Anyway, I bought a scale.
So tomorrow morning I'm stepping on it and seeing my weight.
And taking my measurements.
All will be posted.
I get nervous when I think about it.

Some of my friends are doing a project on anorexia and bulimia.
I went insane when I heard, in my head I mean.
I was so worried.

You see, I refuse to believe that I am ill.
I know that my eating habits are weird.
Throwing up, Starving, Binging.
The whole nine yards.
I UNDERSTAND that it's far from normal.
But I am NOT ill.
I can stop doing it whenever I want.
Right? Right.

So I'm very scared that someone will point at me when they hear what my friends have to say.
I wouldn't want that.
I'm aware that there is almost no chance of that happening but still.
My nerves are absolutely wrecked.

My plans for the rest of January.
Fast.
Five days.
120 hours.
I can do it.
I know I can.

Stay strong loves <3

I swear at that moment, we were infinite...

cutecutecutecute

Hey loves...
So I didn't go to the gym today mainly because I'm stupid.
I forgot it was Saturday.

Now Saturday means my gym opens at noon and mom finishes work at 2.
I need an hour to get back home from the gym and mom needs 15 min from work.
So that wouldn't have worked out anyway.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I will go first thing Tuesday because tomorrow the gym is closed and my mom has a day off on Monday.

Oh God, this.

Now, my eating today.
I did eat more than I would have liked but it was all healthy.
Some chicken along with some rice and lots and lots of tea.

Since I have a party to go to tomorrow, it will be a fasting day. If I can't manage, a few egg whites but nothing else.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Isn't it funny that my alter ego LittleMissFairy or LMF is FML read backwards.
I found it very ironic and amusing.
I swear I didn't notice the pun to my name when I created the avatar.
Oh well.
It seems that Chance has a great sense of humor after all.

Stay strong loves <3

Comments:

Ruby-tuesday Considering my overachieving ambitious temper, I'll probably drop dead before I let myself fail at them.
xox

EnglishRose I don't think I'm that mature at all. Three tiny little years, you're not that old. xD
I did. I just thought you wouldn't be very interested in it. :)
Baggy clothes ftw ^_^
Without my mom's knowledge*... xD God, I can't wait till I'm 18. xD
xox

Becca Oh, I will try. Either way, I love your blog.
xox

Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you’ll never, ever get it out.

Hey loves...
Today was ok.

I am running on empty.
It makes me feel strangely high.
Like Mount Everest high.
Still banned from the scale AND the gym.

I have a solution for the gym thing.
I probably told you that mom's holiday is over.
So I'll just sign up tomorrow and go exercise while she's at work.
My parents are divorced, so no daddy to watch me and my brother just doesn't care about what I do with my body.
Why didn't I think of it sooner?

I realized that I haven't posted my New Year resolutions, so here goes:
1. Be 123 by the 17th of June *my 18th birthday
2. Drink 2 l of water daily
3. Exercise at least 3 times a week
4. Make 1200 the top limit for food *I have never ever gone over 5000, even on bp days
5. Keep up the straight A's thing
6. Post at least once in 3 days
7. Be more tidy
8. Study more
9. Finish the ABC
10. Get up earlier
11. No eating after 6 pm
12. No bread, meat (chicken, turkey, fish are exceptions) or sweets
13. Be satisfied with my results on 31st December 2013

Stay strong loves <3

Comments:

EnglishRose I meant myself. :D
Trust me love, you so wouldn't want them in PE..
I guess you're right.
xox

TinyRose I don't know. Sometimes it feels so wrong this feels safe. I feel like I am destroying myself by doing this but today was so easy, so effortless... I am beginning to think I don't actually need food, which is irrational and absurd. I am losing it. A lot of it, it seems.

Fat Piggy Thanks honey. I'm not really that tall (thanks whoever invented heels) but I'm glad you think I'm model potential. ;) xox

Ednos Linny Don't try to get yourself out of it now. :P
Mom and me are 24 years apart so I get where you're coming from.
Thanks. xox

WinterA I know. I saw when you stopped posting for a while. You are great motivation btw.
I can post. And I WILL go to the gym. And I WILL buy a scale as soon as I get my scholarship.
xox

Kate Thanks love xox

Come on, let's go be psychos together...

Hey loves...
So guess what?
You were all wrong. xD
I'm the one on the right.
I don't know how to feel about that one.

I still haven't got my scale back or my gym membership.
I'm slipping back into my old habits though.
Mom's holiday is finally over.

So today looks like this:
1 orange (80)
2 cups of chicken soup (300)
2 chocolates with rum (200)

total: 580

I know that this may sound weird, but I've been feeling terribly anxious since my mom found the book.
Not being able to weigh, not being able to post, not being able to exercise.
It kept me on the edge half the time, the other half I was trying to get it through my thick skull that what I was doing before wasn't good for me. Seems like it all backfired, considering the fact that I'm back and everything.
What I'm trying to say is that this feels safe.
It feels like this starving, obsessed, posting on here me is okay.
That scares me a lot.

I was in a rush to post yesterday so I answered all of your comments in the box bellow my post. Sorry about that one.

Comments:

Ruby-tuesday Nope ;) I managed to trick all of you.

Talj Yeah, gym does that to you. Thanks :)

EnglishRose Long time no see, honey... We're both 5'5. I'm wearing heels though. :)

Ednos Linny I don't look THAT old, do I? :D

Picture of you, picture of me...

Hello loves....
I got off the hook a little...
I am allowed on the computer. Very happy because of that.

Anyway, remember how I said ages ago that I would post a picture of me?
Well... here goes nothing.

Now. Lets play a little game.
You're supposed to guess which one is me.
*imagine evil laugh as background noise*

Stay strong loves

Persephone is but a voice...

Hello loves...
It's Christmas for the Ortodox aka my family and me.
Lots of eating and crying and whatnot...

Mom found my Thinspo-notebook. She burned it and made me eat. She didn't even let me set foot out of the house, let alone go to the gym. She also banned me from the internet.
She let me on now because it's Christmas and the house is a mess with all the children playing and making noise.

I hope she stops paying attention to me.
I got even fatter if that's possible.
157.4
It makes me want to cry.
I am so miserable at this weight it's unbelievable.

Lying, Cheating, Starving and Purging; welcome back to my life.