Hey loves
I'm going home tonight.
I don't know how I feel about that yet. *sigh*
Oh, Sammy's comment earned me a plus at college. (I hope you're reading this and feeling proud Sammy)
We were doing stack memory and it works like this: the first thing that goes into stack memory is the last one that gets out.
The teacher asked if we could think of an example of that in real life and I just said PRINGLES!
And he actually loved the example. It felt awesome to be appreciated.
So today I ate
50g of cookes 220
I can't promise that will be all for today because mom is making all my favorite food tonight, but I'll try.
I would feel guilty if I ate, and guilty if I didn't, so that leaves me wondering which is the worse of two evils?
And today was generally okay. I went to a coffee shop with a friend from college, Camel (the brand of cigarettes he smokes), and we organized a little competition in solving sudoku between the two of us. I won, but I do recall being obsessed with it a few years ago so no surprise there.
I feel as if it will enable me control and make me lose it at the same time.
I know it makes no sense, but I can be conflicted like that sometimes.
Somehow, I believe I'm in the 150s but I don't know for sure.
I hope I muster the courage to find out tomorrow morning.
I would get up before everyone else, run to the bathroom, then check if everyone was sleeping.
Take of my clothes and step on the scale.
First one foot as if testing, then the other.
Eyes closed.
I remember the fear of gaining and the displeasure of not losing enough when I dared to look.
I would step on it three times, each much more rapid than the last, just to check, just to be sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.
And then I would step off, put my clothes on again and go back to bed.
Thinking about it now, makes me see just how deep into the madness I had gone.
Falling down the rabbit hole indeed.
When I imagined it, I always thought I would be stuck half way through, because I was too fat to fall.
Not good enough, again.
I lost the white rabbit, again.
And what was that about being late?
Much love <3
feel a little happy. feel a little sad. you should feel both, for strange reasons. because of strange things.
ReplyDeletei did a what? okay. i'm too excited.
Pringles. oh my god. i'm going to cry.
go in between. eat a little.
i don't get Sudoku i don't think so. teheh.
ah, weighing rituals. how i love/hate those.
aw, don't say that! we could all fall into rabbit holes sometimes, and hey,where's that stupid rabbit that dug it up anyway?
comment reply to the comment you left on my blog:
i just have to say - this comment was EXACTLY what i needed to read. literally. EXACTLY.
"Look, Sammy, people should NOT make comments like that. I get that sometimes their mouths are faster than their brains but COME ON."
unfortunately, a lot of Asians and Middle Easterns...they don't have this thought. they tell you anything and everything. they are very blunt. if you're fat, you're fat and they'll tell you that. the frustrating thing is i've been told i'm fat from people that are bigger than me (visibly so - it's not even a debatable thing, which is what makes me angry).
"We've all seen how hard you fought. And we've all watched you succeed. And you should NOT pay attention to his (accidentally?) hurtful comments. He just probably wanted to make himself feel better by taking his frustrations out on you."
man, i really love you.
"You know, for a time I was torn between Molecular Biology and Computer Science, and we all know what I chose in the end for my major but HOW I LOVE THOSE REFERENCES. They are wonderful, seriously."
thank you, dear. i aim to please.
"And all that neuron stuff? Remember honey, myelin is an essential part of our nervous system. Without it, we'd probably lose all feeling and the impulses from stimulus would not reach our brains. I know you already know this, but I thought you needed a reminder about how important it really is, if you catch my drift."
this is beautiful. yes, i am aware of the efficiency the system is with neurons but it's nice to be reminded - especially in this context. the implications behind it is so beautiful and i had to smile.
"Don't worry, the self-discovery thing will be a success because you are strong and we love you and support you. I hope you know that."
you are the most magnificent flower of all.
i seriously have missed you~
-Sam Lupin
Probably in Wonderland. I cannot follow him there.
ReplyDeleteI do try to put the things into perspective. ^_^
I still think that a little consideration would go a long way.
I mean what if you replied "Still skinnier than you though".
How would THAT feel?
I'm glad I made you smile
Thank you. It means a lot.
Me too.