I know the burden’s heavy as you wheel it through the night... Some people say it’s empty, but that doesn’t mean it’s light...

Hey loves 

The last few days went well enough.

I have no desire to study what-so-ever. 

I know that I should though, so it's eating away at me, while I spend all my free time on fanfictionpress.com.

I'm horrible, I know.

And about my intake today, I guess it wasn't too bad.

a cup of pasta    430 (?)

a cup of mixed vegetables with chicken 300 (?)

a cup of yogurt 86

If my estimates are good around 800+ calories today.

Not bad for a start.

Anyway due to laundry day being yesterday I had no clean loose tops which I'm used to wearing.

So I went and wore this tight dark grey top (which by the way I had no I idea I even had) and tried to cover all the roles of fat with a scarf thingy.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable but I couldn't help it, I had to go to class.

And the whole point of the story is that a friend from college, let's call her Blondie, told me a few minutes ago that I had lost weight. 

I cannot begin to describe the mix of feelings that came over me.

Disgust- YOU LET HER SEE THE FAT 

Happiness- Somebody noticed!

Doubt- What if she lied to make me feel better about myself due to pitty?

Fear - What if I go to far because of this.

And because I'm not a normal person who says 'thank you' when she gets a compliment, I started listing out all the things that could have made her think that I lost weight.

The conversation went like this:

Blondie: You've lost weight

Me : Your eyes are playing tricks on you. I mean it's been a while since I wore something skin tight

Blondie: I'm not sure. I can see it on your face.

Me: Well it's the first time I came to college without getting out of bed 10 minutes before the class started.

Blondie: I don't know, you really looked pretty today

Me: Thanks

Blondie: You're welcome.

I am horrible at taking compliments. I should just shut up, smile and nod. How hard can that be ?

Thanks for reading the whole rant.

Much love <3

Did I ever love you? Does it really matter? Did I ever fight you? You don't need to answer...

Hey loves.
It's been a really long time.
A year or so.
A lot has changed, you know?






I've moved to the capital.
I'm in college right now. Computer science mayor.
I have no scale in my apartment so I had no clue about my weight for close to six months, today.
And without the scales, I only occasionally got the impulse to starve myself.
I haven't binged or purged in a really long time.
I was better, I really was.
And then something happened.

My first semester ended and I didn't get the grades I expected.
I had 4 A's, 2 B's, a D and an exam I didn't even go to.
Let's just say that it pushed me straight to obsessing about my weight again, because if I cannot be smart I can at least be thin, right?

And I tried to fight the urge since February, but I've had to buy the books for my second semester. Between the books and cigarettes and food, guess which two I chose?







So, after forcing myself to worry about the amount of food I buy, I started counting calories again too. And I started taking less and less food.

And I'm back.
And I hope some of you are still here after a year.

Much love <3

They were brave

Hey loves

So I am sticking to my March resolutions.

About the eating:
500ml milk            170
1 tbsp shake           60
100g chicken        116
150g vegetables    108
42g peanuts           248
2 shoots vodka      194
0.33 of 1 guarana    38
100 ml orange juice 46

Total of: 980cals, 52g protein, 72g carbs, 30g fat and 1g fiber

So I took some advice that Fat Piggy gave me.
I decided to make myself happy
I had my nails done today and I my manicurist used termogel which is awesome.
It goes from lilac when cold to light purple when warm.
I absolutely love them.

I also went out tonight.
I had a great time.
There's a picture of me waiting at the end of this post.

Love you and thanks for the support. Seriously. <3

“Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?”

Hey loves...

I've been thinking a lot about the title of the post.
I know what I'd draw. Myself.
Why?
Because I'm a paradox.

I wan't to be happy so badly, yet I always catch myself thinking of the things that make me sad. And I laugh all the time, but it's not a happy laugh at all.

I'm ambitious and I want to be perfect in everything I do, but I'm too lazy to do anything of great importance for myself.

I hate don't like myself. I know I'm fat. I know I'm a failure. I love WHO I am though.

I don't think anyone can understand. I can't understand. I am a walking contradiction (although it might have something to do with the fact that I'm a Gemini).

Anyway, today's the start of March.
I like to begin on firsts.
So I am changing myself starting today.

Starting with food.
I am not eating bread anymore.
I am not eating sweets anymore. *sorry Sammy*
I am drinking a lot of water.
I am exercising properly.

My meals will consist of shake for breakfast, small fruity snack, normal lunch (what is normal?), small snack, shake for dinner.

I will try to be truly happy, do the things that make me see the bright side, ignore the depressing thoughts.
I will do more to enhance my abilities instead of being a couch potato.

I will lose 10 lbs in March.

Love you <3

It’s just that…I think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know?

Hey loves

It's been a really rough week.
I ate like a small whale.
I like to blame it on stress because of school, but deep deep down I know that's not it.
I was simply too out of control.
I hope this won't happen again anytime soon.
The good side? I haven't binged OR purged in quite some time.

As for my eating:

500ml milk                  170
2 scoops shake           120
140g orange                 66
half cup rice                130
50g chicken                 58
(I checked this one 1000 times)
1 cup vegetable           60
3 slices french bread  180

So all in all 784 kcal, 53g protein, 115g carbs, 14g fat.

Seems like I'm getting better at starving myself, if we don't count last week.

I haven't stepped on the scale in a while. I will tomorrow.
I hope the results aren't horrible.

I had my measurements taken on Saturday in the club.
In the last week I lost 5.5 cm, which is awesome.
I still don't feel good though.
I don't really know why is that.

Love you <3

And when I leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people

Hey loves,
I'm back from Petnica.

It was pretty awesome.
I meet a huge number of people and got closer to some of them.
I also learned a lot about computers.
We were doing programming in assembler for Z80 and later on for ZX Spectrum.
We had a class on Mozilla Firefox OS and on how calculation works on computers and mistakes in it.
I had a great time and nearly no sleep.

I ate like a hippo while I was there, so I weighed in (on my scale) at 154.2
Kind of felt guilty but I got over it.

Oh, and I weighed in today at the club 157.6, same as last time.
And from the 1st February, when I started the program, I lost 4.8% fat and gained 3.8% muscle.
My visceral fat remains at 4 but I'm trying to get that number down.

Anyway, about my eating today

150g cooking chocolate     795
*That would be your influence Sammy*
1 tbsp chocolate shake      60
250 ml milk 0.5%              85
18g Xxl choco plazma       83
2 turkish delight                 70

So all in all 1304 kcal, 161g carbs, 27g protein, 61g fat

And Iv had 1165 kcal, 149g carbs, 53.5 g protein, 40g fat
Damn, my chocolaty habits.

Lots of love girls <3

Learn what it is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest

Hey loves

In the morning, my scale showed 154.4lb so that's ok.
In my club I weighed 157.4 and that's lower than before.
I am okay I guess.

About my eating today
700ml milk 0.5%           238
4 tbsp shake                   180
105g bagel                      289
180ml yogurt 2.8%        104
330g fruit yogurt           257

A total of 1068kcal, 65g protein, 157g carbs, 17.5g fat

My weight loss buddy, Iv, had (by my calculations) 635kcal, 45g protein, 85g carbs, 14g fat which is almost two times less than myself.

Motivation from that? Understatement of the year.
I need to get better at starving myself. Seriously.
If I want to win that is.

I realized I have a slight crush on my trainer, so that's extra motivation too.

My next weigh in is on Monday.
I want to be lower than today.
I must be lower than today.

I don't know.
I guess I'm back in the mindset and it feels great.
Although, I must admit that I'm scared that this time I just might take it too far.
God, I hope yes not.

Much love <3

The truth is never a lie

Hey loves

So I got a weight loss buddy.
She's a friend from school.
And we gave ourselves 100 days to get to the weight we want to be.

And the winner pays for Cesar salad and lemonade at the Queen.
Yes, I get that I'm not a dog and that I really really shouldn't reward myself with food, but I can't help it really. It gets me motivated.
Oh and at the moment she is 136lb with 172cm height and she wants to get to 122.
I'm sure she'll win, because my goal for May 24th (the end date of the challenge) is 130 from 156.
Oh, well. Participation matters, right?

Except, I don't really go for participation.
In order for me to win, I'd have to eat 700kcal a day.
With my two shakes at 350 that leaves me with 350 for the rest of the day.
I'm not sure if I can manage that for that long.

Oh, and another day my dad said something.
"Honey, you know I always tell you the truth?"
"Yeah, dad?"
"Well, you have a really pretty face insert a grinning me but if you were 25lbs lighter M would chase after you, hell he might even break his neck" insert a gaping fish face from me
Now, THAT's what I call one hell of a trigger, and he didn't even do it on purpose.
You have to love daddy, right?

It's another weigh-in day at the club tonight.
Dressed, after I ate, I am 155.6.
So that would be a 4.4 lb difference in 3 days if my Karma doesn't step in again.
I know she's a bitch, but hopefully she'll be sleeping tomorrow night or something like that.

Oh, and I'm going to Petnica science research center on Thursday.
So I might not be able to post until Monday.
Just letting you know.

Much love <3

She was like a piano in a country where everyone has had their hands cut off

Hey loves

I went on another rampage this morning.
I stepped on the damned thing in my bathroom and it showed 154.8.
If I could have strangled it, I would have done it no problem.
I can't believe what kind of karma I have.
Why didn't it show yesterday when I needed it?
I don't know if I've told you but the scale at my fit club shows 1.6lb more than my scale at home.
So that's another just peachy thing.

Enough with the ramble, let's skip ahead to my eating today:

500ml milk 0.5%                170
3tbsp chocolate shake         135
2 oranges                             162
200g vegetable                    144
1 potato boiled                     144
3 mandarins                        159

That is a total of: 914 kcal, 48,5g protein, 189,5g carbohydrates and 5.5g fat.

I feel proud of myself considering the situation.
It was all in all a good day.
Can't wait for the training tomorrow.

Much love <3

I touched her thigh and death smiled...

Hey loves

Today was progress checking day in my club.
I gained. I GAINED. G A I N E D 0.4 lbs.
Give me an applause please.
My trainer just looked at me and congratulated me on losing 4% fat and gaining 3.5% muscle, but I WAS NOT HAPPY.
God, I just wanted to kick something. HARD.

Anyway, the lecture today was about meal plans, healthy meals and water.
Something along the lines of:
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Breakfast will make you a champeeeeon"
I skipped it for the most part of my life.
"You have to have 2 snacks in between meals"
More calories? I don't think so.
"Drink more than 2l of water a day"
Been there, done that.

My muscle ache has mostly stopped.
There is this really cute guy who is also one of the trainers and who always helps me and only me with my exercises.
I think someone has a crush.

They also gave us a paper.
That wouldn't be so bad if they didn't tell us that the paper was where we were supposed to write exactly what we ate for the whole day.
How am I supposed to tell that all I ate yesterday was an apple?
They would murder me.
So, either lie or write the truth and be scolded into next century.
I don't know what to do.

Much love <3