Most of the pain you’re dealing with are really just thoughts—ever think of that?

Hey loves

By now, you're probably used to my disappearing and reappearing acts.
I'm not apologizing for them.

I've been thinking a lot these past few months.
Since March or so, I've been feeling so empty, so vacant, like my life was a straight line and every single thing I did, whether it was concering my education or my personal life, I did it because I was expected to do it.
I was expected to study.
I was expected to go out with friends.
I was expected to be a good girl and not sleep with guys who had girlfriends.
I was expected not to trigger myself by stepping on a scale, or reading "dangerous" blog posts or books, or look at my diary from a few years ago.
I was expected not to starve myself and fill myself up with food like your regular Thanksgiving turkey.

Fullfilling other people's expectations, I realized, got really old, really fast.
I started to wonder where did this nothingness in me come from.
I thought I used to be a half mess who starved herself and killed herself with overachieving, but at least I felt something.
So I started reading my own thoughts from a few years ago, exactly one of the things a good girl that I tried to be, wasn't supposed to be doing.

Guess what?
I felt something.
Sadness for who I was and for who I became in the process of pleasing others.

So, in May I started pleasing myself.
I slept with I guy I loved since childhood, even though my own mother gasped and screamed and threathened, because he had a girlfriend.
It felt good.

In July I studied because I wanted the highest mark.
I got it.
It felt good.
I backtracked with my studies, by annuling all the marks that weren't a 10.
That felt good, too.
And I am studying right now, because I do not want to be average, I want to be the best.
Old skin and old habits feel good.

For the last few months I've been in limbo with my weight, maintaining, balancing around 140.
I wasn't satisfied with it, but I guess it was okay because it's been a long time since I was that low and that kept me at an okay with myself for a while.

You know that moment in cartoons when a person opens a book and their whole face lights up with some strange golden glow and it's that moment that you know the character realized something important?
Today, I opened an old copy of Wintergirls.
I found notes scribbled all over the margines and half the text highlighted.
I was afraid to do that because I was afraid of relapsing.
I am not afraid anymore.

This blog was my haven for a long time.
People on here were my support pillars.
That is why I call all of you loves, you know?

And now, I am apologizing, to myself and to you for being away for so long, because here is where I want to be.

Once, I saw a bee drowning in honey and I understood. -Nikos Kazantzakis

Hi loves.
Just wanted to let you know, I skipped most of my meals these days.
I skipped physics so I could learn c++. I failed.

"You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; How could you become new if you haven’t first become ashes?"

Hi loves.
Thus spoke Zarathustra, I know, but now it's me speaking.
Or writing, if you get technical.

See, in the last few days, I realized one thing.
No one will be there to save you, you can only save yourself.
I can only save myself.

So, I've made a decision of sorts.
No more needy, bitchy, pathetic moaning and complaining about my problems and burdening other people with them.
It is hard but I am not a baby, therefore I don't need other people to be over caring or overindulging.
I need to be strong for myself.

And I when I say that, I mean it in every way possible.
I need to be successful for myself.
I need to be skinny for myself.
I need to be mentally able to take the ups as well as the downs.

So, starting from today, I've stopped complaining about my faculty.
I'll stop eating soon enough.
I'll start studying sooner.

See, it's exam week and I have my exams in the next order:
Tuesday -algorithms and data structures
Thursday - physics
Friday- Object-oriented programming (c++)
Saturday- databases
Sunday - basics of computer hardware

And I have to do well. I just have to.

About my eating today:
-500ml soup (121)
-homemade beans 200g (234)
-2 slices white bread (116)
-4 lollipops (120)
Which totals to a car crash.
591 kcal, 21g protein, 109g carbs, 8g fat, 1g fiber

And I will not talk about complaining because I'm supposed to be strong and independent, I guess.

Now on to the interesting part.
Last night, I talked to the best friend of my best friend who is in love with me, you remember.
All of my friends think he likes me, and I'm beginning to think the same, because the conversation turned into a full blown flirting session until the mention of our mutual best friend.
One love triangle, please!
On another note, my long distance ex-boyfriend wants to be with me again. I only want a friends with benefits thing, because let's face it: Long distance relationships suck.

You know, I find it strange that so many people like like me, when I can barely tolerate myself more often than not. To me it's a baffling thing.
I begin to wonder: What is it that they like so much?
My body? That can't be true, because even now, I'm fat as hell.
My brain? How can you like someone who is sad half the time, and the other half acts like jazz jackrabbit on a sugar rush?
My way of talking? I try to fit as many words in as few seconds as possible.
My humor? I almost cry every time I have a funny thought because I realize how sad it really is. I absolutely despise black people jokes, blonde jokes, dark humor, Hitler jokes, nationality jokes. To me, they are all a sad attempt at humor because they make fun of serious issues in society and that it NOT funny.

And I should probably be studying right now, so I'm off.
Have a nice few days.

Because I know there are some of you who need to read this.

Skinny, all my monsters singing...

Hi.
I wasn't on here for a while.
You know, every time something goes well in my life I feel the need to disappear from here.
It's not "I don't have the time to post", it's running away from the problems I have, problems I can see screaming through every post. It's like, if I don't post, I'm fine and everything's fine and I don't have to deal with depression or eating disorders or all the other monsters hiding under my bed.




"...she'll swerve and the bike will flip and send her screaming because she forgot her wings again and gravity  never  forgets and then she'll hit that nasty mattress"
-Wintergirls

Monsters never forgot, I just hit rock bottom.

I've never been skinnier. I've never felt worse.

See, the college thing is going awful.
I'm ashamed to say that:
-I slept through one graded exercise
-I copied another
-I failed the third

My social life is going awful:
-My best friend is in love with me
-Our mutual friend hates me because I talk with my best friend because it "doesn't give him time to chill out"
-My ex-boyfriend's father just died and I don't know how to help him get through  it

My mental state is, to be completely fair, a complete and utter mess.
I feel like I don't have control over anything. I feel like a needy, disgusting brat who thinks only about herself even though people around me are suffering more. I hate myself so much.

I hate myself because I laugh everyday and pretend everything's fine.
I hate myself for wasting my time.
I hate myself for not wasting away already, because all I seem to do is cause other people to be unhappy and it hurts me, and I feel like I can't do anything about it.

"Sometimes our actions don’t reflect who we really are. So we lie. Sometimes our lies are more honest than the truth." —Leila Aren ‪

I'm sorry I disappeared for a while. It was a rough exam week.

I passed all of them but I'm going to repeat 3 of them because I am not satisfied with the result.

My eating has been pretty much consistent.

A lot of pasta and a lot of coffee which is not good for me, but I can do little about it.

Today I've had :

a cup of pasta 310

some ketchup 30

300ml of yogurt 150

three tea cookies 200

total 690

.

I'm going home next week so I'll finally weigh in again.

Can't wait.

Easter comes late for my family because they're Orthodox.

That's the reason I'm going home actually.

On a side note, I've had a wonderful day with my friends today.

There's a few pictures of us waiting at the end of the post.

Much love <3

You're not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier. You have lost your muchness.

I had a great day in academic sense. I finally corrected all my math notes.
I have an exam on Monday in C programming and on Tuesday in algorithms and data structures.
I have two days to prepare for that.

About my eating today, I did better than yesterday, but I must lower it still. It feels like too much.
I need to feel empty, although I know it's not a good idea right now.

1 cup of chicken 231
1 cup rice 194
100g feta cheese 221
400ml orange juice 180
Total 826

I'm guessing that I'll be okay if I keep my calorie intake around 800-900 these days but as soon as my exams pass I have to lower it to 500 or somewhere along those lines.
I can't risk my grades for my ED. I just can't.

I feel torn between academic success and starving myself.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.

“I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.”

Hey loves
I have a lot of things to report today but I'm too tired to type much, so I'll just stick with my intake for today:

4/3 cup of mixed vegetables  260
2/3 cup of chicken  300
2 cups of yogurt   265
1 cup of nougat coffee  170
Total:   995

I'm going up on my calorie intake. It's awful.
I have to go down to 700.
I hate this.

I could barely function without coffee this morning so I just had to buy it, because I spent 8 hours at college and I would be dead on my feet again without it.
I know it's not an excuse, but I needed that.

And when I came back, I had was so hungry, it wasn't even funny.
I heated up a lot of food and just started shoveling it in.
I stopped after two cups though, thank God.

I guess my hungry hungry shovel food attacks are due to the monthly fairy's visit these days, but I wish I could stop myself.

I mean I understand that my BMR slightly goes up when I'm on my period, and I understand that I need the nutrition with my exams coming up, but I thought I had better control over myself than that.

Much love <3

“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.” -The Catcher in the Rye

Hey loves
I finally caught up on my sleep last night, but I have to study tonight so tomorrow I'll be dead on my feet again. Sigh.
On the bright side I'm learning about C- the programming language, which is awesome.

About my eating today:
3 cups of peas 339 + 200
2 cups of yogurt  163
Irish cappuccino 220(? I found it online, but with cream and I didn't have cream on mine)
total: 922

I guess I should be happy as long as I am not over 1000, but I can't help but beat myself over the cappuccino thing. I'm so stupid. Why do I do that to myself?

Anyway, a friend, ToothyGrin, is sleeping over. Right now, he's sitting across from me, studying something about law, and he thinks I'm writing a code for college.
The worst part is that he believes me without question and I lie to everyone so much.
I often catch myself spacing out when he talks to me. It's not that I'm not interested in what he has to say, it's just that I can't help it.
I have a strangely wired brain. One word is enough to send me spiraling into a train of thought that ends so far away from the original subject. I think of my brain as a stray alley cat.

Much love <3

Shooting stars are just cigarettes thrown away by angels before God could catch them smoking.

Hey loves

About the title, I'm not religious. I just liked the quote.
Anyway, I had a wonderful day at college yesterday.
I defended my homework assignment and got a 100% but I kind of flunked the test at 50%.
When I scale it down I got 8/10 points.
I need to do better than that.

Today was okay, although I almost fell asleep on my feet.
I am too tired to do anything much about my studies.
I copied some material from when I slept through some classes a few days ago and I have to catch up on that one of these days.
Next week is exam week so I'm supper stressed, borderline depressed, well on the way of becoming a chain smoker and just plain miserable.
I have 5 exams of which I really need to study for about 4 because the fifth is English and well, you can see I do well in English, with my CPE passed with flying colors and all.

Food wise, things are not going well.
I TOLD my mom NOT to pack sweets, but she did it anyway.
Now I have three rows of chocolate cake sitting in my fridge and I'm torn between eating it all and throwing it all away.
I feel guilty about wasting food though.
I feel guilty about eating food too.
I don't know what to do.

Today went (or will go because the spaghetti and ketchup are also waiting in the fridge for the dinner-cry-eat pity party I'm attending with myself tonight) more or less like this:
250g cooked peas  200 + 100(other ingredients which I can't track)
50g feta cheese 110
a piece of cake 250(?)
a cup of spaghetti 157 + 100 (other ingredients which I can't track)
20g ketchup 30
Which adds up to around 950 if my estimates are correct.

I hate not being able to count calories properly.
I can't even begin to describe the whole process of thinking about mom's food.
Something that goes on in my mind every time I eat her food is:
"So this is generally blabla, it weighs blabla more or less, and that adds up to blabla cal.
In my portion there is a spoon of blabla probably so add that.
And some blabla add that too."
And when I add it all, I add another 50 for good measure, because I could be wrong in my overall estimates.
I also can't get up and put every single thing on my plate on the kitchen scale, because that would raise some awkward issues that I don't want to talk about with her.

Sometimes, when I'm on here and read what some of you are going through in life generally, I get thinking that my problems are insignificant compared to yours.
What I mean is, come on, I'm almost 20 and my problems consist of exams in college, boys, shitty friends, my ED and equal money distribution to last for the month.
Some of you have it really rough, and I'm sorry about that.
I hope things take a turn for the better for all of you.

Much love <3