Hi.
I wasn't on here for a while.
You know, every time something goes well in my life I feel the need to disappear from here.
It's not "I don't have the time to post", it's running away from the problems I have, problems I can see screaming through every post. It's like, if I don't post, I'm fine and everything's fine and I don't have to deal with depression or eating disorders or all the other monsters hiding under my bed.
"...she'll swerve and the bike will flip and send her screaming because she forgot her wings again and gravity never forgets and then she'll hit that nasty mattress"
-Wintergirls
Monsters never forgot, I just hit rock bottom.
I've never been skinnier. I've never felt worse.
See, the college thing is going awful.
I'm ashamed to say that:
-I slept through one graded exercise
-I copied another
-I failed the third
-My best friend is in love with me
-Our mutual friend hates me because I talk with my best friend because it "doesn't give him time to chill out"
-My ex-boyfriend's father just died and I don't know how to help him get through it
My mental state is, to be completely fair, a complete and utter mess.
I feel like I don't have control over anything. I feel like a needy, disgusting brat who thinks only about herself even though people around me are suffering more. I hate myself so much.
I hate myself because I laugh everyday and pretend everything's fine.
I hate myself for wasting my time.
I hate myself for not wasting away already, because all I seem to do is cause other people to be unhappy and it hurts me, and I feel like I can't do anything about it.
Hey lovely. It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. I can relate a lot to the "if I don't write about it, I don't have to deal with it" mindset.
ReplyDeleteAs for your ex's dad, it's a terrible situation, but you have to put yourself first, especially if your mental state isn't great already. You're not a grief counsellor, and it's a hell of a lot to take on. Be there for him when you can, but don't forget to take care of yourself too.
OH DEAR GOD, ASTROBOY, NOOOOO!!!!
P.S... My brother got out some of his C programming textbooks a few weeks ago for me to work through, since I've always considered I.T my 'trade' but haven't been able to study for years. Made me think of you.
<3
xxxx
Oh, if you need any help with the programming I'm always there.
DeleteI am trying to do everything I can, but it gets almost impossible sometimes.
<3