"You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; How could you become new if you haven’t first become ashes?"

Hi loves.
Thus spoke Zarathustra, I know, but now it's me speaking.
Or writing, if you get technical.

See, in the last few days, I realized one thing.
No one will be there to save you, you can only save yourself.
I can only save myself.

So, I've made a decision of sorts.
No more needy, bitchy, pathetic moaning and complaining about my problems and burdening other people with them.
It is hard but I am not a baby, therefore I don't need other people to be over caring or overindulging.
I need to be strong for myself.

And I when I say that, I mean it in every way possible.
I need to be successful for myself.
I need to be skinny for myself.
I need to be mentally able to take the ups as well as the downs.

So, starting from today, I've stopped complaining about my faculty.
I'll stop eating soon enough.
I'll start studying sooner.

See, it's exam week and I have my exams in the next order:
Tuesday -algorithms and data structures
Thursday - physics
Friday- Object-oriented programming (c++)
Saturday- databases
Sunday - basics of computer hardware

And I have to do well. I just have to.

About my eating today:
-500ml soup (121)
-homemade beans 200g (234)
-2 slices white bread (116)
-4 lollipops (120)
Which totals to a car crash.
591 kcal, 21g protein, 109g carbs, 8g fat, 1g fiber

And I will not talk about complaining because I'm supposed to be strong and independent, I guess.

Now on to the interesting part.
Last night, I talked to the best friend of my best friend who is in love with me, you remember.
All of my friends think he likes me, and I'm beginning to think the same, because the conversation turned into a full blown flirting session until the mention of our mutual best friend.
One love triangle, please!
On another note, my long distance ex-boyfriend wants to be with me again. I only want a friends with benefits thing, because let's face it: Long distance relationships suck.

You know, I find it strange that so many people like like me, when I can barely tolerate myself more often than not. To me it's a baffling thing.
I begin to wonder: What is it that they like so much?
My body? That can't be true, because even now, I'm fat as hell.
My brain? How can you like someone who is sad half the time, and the other half acts like jazz jackrabbit on a sugar rush?
My way of talking? I try to fit as many words in as few seconds as possible.
My humor? I almost cry every time I have a funny thought because I realize how sad it really is. I absolutely despise black people jokes, blonde jokes, dark humor, Hitler jokes, nationality jokes. To me, they are all a sad attempt at humor because they make fun of serious issues in society and that it NOT funny.

And I should probably be studying right now, so I'm off.
Have a nice few days.

Because I know there are some of you who need to read this.