She stays lost in the middle of her own world somewhere. You can’t get in and she doesn’t come out.

So I've been missing.
Again.
I have that horrible habit of disappearing from time to time.
Sue me.
Although I do feel bad about it.

Anyway, I bought a scale.
So tomorrow morning I'm stepping on it and seeing my weight.
And taking my measurements.
All will be posted.
I get nervous when I think about it.

Some of my friends are doing a project on anorexia and bulimia.
I went insane when I heard, in my head I mean.
I was so worried.

You see, I refuse to believe that I am ill.
I know that my eating habits are weird.
Throwing up, Starving, Binging.
The whole nine yards.
I UNDERSTAND that it's far from normal.
But I am NOT ill.
I can stop doing it whenever I want.
Right? Right.

So I'm very scared that someone will point at me when they hear what my friends have to say.
I wouldn't want that.
I'm aware that there is almost no chance of that happening but still.
My nerves are absolutely wrecked.

My plans for the rest of January.
Fast.
Five days.
120 hours.
I can do it.
I know I can.

Stay strong loves <3

I swear at that moment, we were infinite...

cutecutecutecute

Hey loves...
So I didn't go to the gym today mainly because I'm stupid.
I forgot it was Saturday.

Now Saturday means my gym opens at noon and mom finishes work at 2.
I need an hour to get back home from the gym and mom needs 15 min from work.
So that wouldn't have worked out anyway.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I will go first thing Tuesday because tomorrow the gym is closed and my mom has a day off on Monday.

Oh God, this.

Now, my eating today.
I did eat more than I would have liked but it was all healthy.
Some chicken along with some rice and lots and lots of tea.

Since I have a party to go to tomorrow, it will be a fasting day. If I can't manage, a few egg whites but nothing else.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Isn't it funny that my alter ego LittleMissFairy or LMF is FML read backwards.
I found it very ironic and amusing.
I swear I didn't notice the pun to my name when I created the avatar.
Oh well.
It seems that Chance has a great sense of humor after all.

Stay strong loves <3

Comments:

Ruby-tuesday Considering my overachieving ambitious temper, I'll probably drop dead before I let myself fail at them.
xox

EnglishRose I don't think I'm that mature at all. Three tiny little years, you're not that old. xD
I did. I just thought you wouldn't be very interested in it. :)
Baggy clothes ftw ^_^
Without my mom's knowledge*... xD God, I can't wait till I'm 18. xD
xox

Becca Oh, I will try. Either way, I love your blog.
xox

Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you’ll never, ever get it out.

Hey loves...
Today was ok.

I am running on empty.
It makes me feel strangely high.
Like Mount Everest high.
Still banned from the scale AND the gym.

I have a solution for the gym thing.
I probably told you that mom's holiday is over.
So I'll just sign up tomorrow and go exercise while she's at work.
My parents are divorced, so no daddy to watch me and my brother just doesn't care about what I do with my body.
Why didn't I think of it sooner?

I realized that I haven't posted my New Year resolutions, so here goes:
1. Be 123 by the 17th of June *my 18th birthday
2. Drink 2 l of water daily
3. Exercise at least 3 times a week
4. Make 1200 the top limit for food *I have never ever gone over 5000, even on bp days
5. Keep up the straight A's thing
6. Post at least once in 3 days
7. Be more tidy
8. Study more
9. Finish the ABC
10. Get up earlier
11. No eating after 6 pm
12. No bread, meat (chicken, turkey, fish are exceptions) or sweets
13. Be satisfied with my results on 31st December 2013

Stay strong loves <3

Comments:

EnglishRose I meant myself. :D
Trust me love, you so wouldn't want them in PE..
I guess you're right.
xox

TinyRose I don't know. Sometimes it feels so wrong this feels safe. I feel like I am destroying myself by doing this but today was so easy, so effortless... I am beginning to think I don't actually need food, which is irrational and absurd. I am losing it. A lot of it, it seems.

Fat Piggy Thanks honey. I'm not really that tall (thanks whoever invented heels) but I'm glad you think I'm model potential. ;) xox

Ednos Linny Don't try to get yourself out of it now. :P
Mom and me are 24 years apart so I get where you're coming from.
Thanks. xox

WinterA I know. I saw when you stopped posting for a while. You are great motivation btw.
I can post. And I WILL go to the gym. And I WILL buy a scale as soon as I get my scholarship.
xox

Kate Thanks love xox

Come on, let's go be psychos together...

Hey loves...
So guess what?
You were all wrong. xD
I'm the one on the right.
I don't know how to feel about that one.

I still haven't got my scale back or my gym membership.
I'm slipping back into my old habits though.
Mom's holiday is finally over.

So today looks like this:
1 orange (80)
2 cups of chicken soup (300)
2 chocolates with rum (200)

total: 580

I know that this may sound weird, but I've been feeling terribly anxious since my mom found the book.
Not being able to weigh, not being able to post, not being able to exercise.
It kept me on the edge half the time, the other half I was trying to get it through my thick skull that what I was doing before wasn't good for me. Seems like it all backfired, considering the fact that I'm back and everything.
What I'm trying to say is that this feels safe.
It feels like this starving, obsessed, posting on here me is okay.
That scares me a lot.

I was in a rush to post yesterday so I answered all of your comments in the box bellow my post. Sorry about that one.

Comments:

Ruby-tuesday Nope ;) I managed to trick all of you.

Talj Yeah, gym does that to you. Thanks :)

EnglishRose Long time no see, honey... We're both 5'5. I'm wearing heels though. :)

Ednos Linny I don't look THAT old, do I? :D

Picture of you, picture of me...

Hello loves....
I got off the hook a little...
I am allowed on the computer. Very happy because of that.

Anyway, remember how I said ages ago that I would post a picture of me?
Well... here goes nothing.

Now. Lets play a little game.
You're supposed to guess which one is me.
*imagine evil laugh as background noise*

Stay strong loves

Persephone is but a voice...

Hello loves...
It's Christmas for the Ortodox aka my family and me.
Lots of eating and crying and whatnot...

Mom found my Thinspo-notebook. She burned it and made me eat. She didn't even let me set foot out of the house, let alone go to the gym. She also banned me from the internet.
She let me on now because it's Christmas and the house is a mess with all the children playing and making noise.

I hope she stops paying attention to me.
I got even fatter if that's possible.
157.4
It makes me want to cry.
I am so miserable at this weight it's unbelievable.

Lying, Cheating, Starving and Purging; welcome back to my life.

It’s only love, it’s only pain, it’s only fear that runs through my veins, it’s all the things you can’t explain.... that make us human...

Today was boring.

Intake:
lemonade (37)
bread (201)
potato (220)
milk (330)

A huge nutella-out-of-the-jar kind of binge. Only not on nutella (thank you, God) but on rice cakes. xD
I purged it though.

Exercise:
5min elliptical 75
37min bike 325
15min treadmill 100
79min step machine 2000

Total: -1.212 + the binge

I still haven't weighed myself, but I renewed my gym membership.

EnglishRose Don't be. It happens.

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself...

Hey loves...
I'm sorry for my lack of posting last week but my life is kind of hectic right now.

After EnglishRose's comment I feel the need to define "binge":
To me a binge is:
1. over 1500 calories a day
2. over 200 in one sitting
3. any amount of calories eaten without control
4. any meal that wasn't planned on happening that day
So when I say I binged....well it could be any of the four.
So I'll make sure to clarify in the future.

I have no idea what my weight is right now.
Last time I checked (Tuesday) it was 151.9
I'm afraid to step on the scale right now.

I have an 18th birthday to attend to.
My almost-boyfriend-first-crush-ex-schoolmate is celebrating it.
And I'm a fat pregnant looking whale.

I need to be under 145 by 24th.
I'm tempted to not go at all.

I feel physically sick when I think of the party and me like a fat kid in a field of daisies.
A hippo on the treadmill trying for a unicorn.
A watermelon next to the cucumbers.
I can go on, you know?

So reasons for restricting the next two weeks:
1.I'm disgusting at this weight
2.The birthday party
3. Embarrassment when being weighed
4. Not being able to sleep=more time to study (I'm a geek, sue me :P )
5. Sick of my brother's clothes
6. Pumpkins don't marry princes

Pumpkin reference

Comments:

Emma I know, right? :D
I hate the feeling. On one side I know I will feel better when empty, on the other side I will feel like I've failed myself again. Why can't I sew my mouth shut?
Totally cheering for no eating after 6 pm.
<3

Wakey wakey

EnglishRose Petal, I've missed you A LOT. You've had me quite worried with the things you've posted recently. I'm glad you're okay though.
You can't possibly tell me that when you know how it feels when you hate yourself for being weak and eating.
<3

You know he's awesome.

Sammy Damon is overreacting as usual.
You know, if I could choose being a billionaire and being able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight and feeling bad, I would choose the second one within a heartbeat.
Don't remind me. I hate my life. This time last year I was exactly the same weight. Ugh. Shutting up now.
And if you asked me, I'd probably tell you: "anywhere from 0 to 3000?".  But you would probably guess as much.
xoxo

Believe in this one.

TinyRose I have two roses now. ;)
I can't stop myself.
Open the fridge. Look. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Take a bar. Put it back. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Eat the bar. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Eat everything. Purge everything. Close the fridge.
Something like this??
xoxo

I'll try everything again... Even though I said I wouldn't...

Hey loves...
Today was eventful *in the ED sense at least

Yesterday I had a strong resolve not to eat over 500 a day.
So this morning I ate 3 small mandarins (120) for breakfast
And my mom made cake.
The cherry vanilla kind.

And I was determined not to try it.
Except she made me.
One piece (380).

When she went to work all hell broke loose.
I ate two rows of it and purged it.
Then I binged on rice-meat-cabbage-bread and purged that too.
Then I went to the gym and burned 2600 on the stepper.

So nothing new in my life. xD
Starve. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Exercise.
I hate this.

Weight wise, I'm going down the rabbit hole.
153.7
It makes me okay with myself to know that I'm losing.

What I'll probably do 

Btw that vanilla cherry cake is still in the fridge.
And I crave it so badly.
The only thing stopping me from eating until I can't open my mouth anymore is the fact that it'll show on the scale tomorrow.
Mfp saying that if this goes on, I'll be 127 in 5 weeks helps too.

I don't know whether to be happy or scared or disgusted with myself.
I think I'll just stick with hate.


Stay strong lovelies <3

Only thing I could think of when the question is "When would you not feel guilty about eating?" I  obviously have problems.

Comments:

Emma Well in that case, I should drag you with me to the gym. <3

Neisa Rae I would love to read about your plans :) 13? That's awesome.
God, I hate the cycle. Especially before the period. It drives me insane.
Thanks, I try xD
Go. Run like the wind ;)

Ruby Thanks love <3 I hope you feel better yourself

Sammy Overexercising is a sweaty thing, love xDD
I like the purging comparison xD she also likes to make me miserable and bloated and gives me puffy eyes and hamster cheeks. Remind me again why I'm friends with her? XD
You'll see lower love. Just you wait.
I know that ED people usually have a distorted body image, but trust me, I would see myself as fat either way.
I see thin people and wonder if they have EDs too. I need a shrink.
<3