It’s only love, it’s only pain, it’s only fear that runs through my veins, it’s all the things you can’t explain.... that make us human...

Today was boring.

Intake:
lemonade (37)
bread (201)
potato (220)
milk (330)

A huge nutella-out-of-the-jar kind of binge. Only not on nutella (thank you, God) but on rice cakes. xD
I purged it though.

Exercise:
5min elliptical 75
37min bike 325
15min treadmill 100
79min step machine 2000

Total: -1.212 + the binge

I still haven't weighed myself, but I renewed my gym membership.

EnglishRose Don't be. It happens.

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself...

Hey loves...
I'm sorry for my lack of posting last week but my life is kind of hectic right now.

After EnglishRose's comment I feel the need to define "binge":
To me a binge is:
1. over 1500 calories a day
2. over 200 in one sitting
3. any amount of calories eaten without control
4. any meal that wasn't planned on happening that day
So when I say I binged....well it could be any of the four.
So I'll make sure to clarify in the future.

I have no idea what my weight is right now.
Last time I checked (Tuesday) it was 151.9
I'm afraid to step on the scale right now.

I have an 18th birthday to attend to.
My almost-boyfriend-first-crush-ex-schoolmate is celebrating it.
And I'm a fat pregnant looking whale.

I need to be under 145 by 24th.
I'm tempted to not go at all.

I feel physically sick when I think of the party and me like a fat kid in a field of daisies.
A hippo on the treadmill trying for a unicorn.
A watermelon next to the cucumbers.
I can go on, you know?

So reasons for restricting the next two weeks:
1.I'm disgusting at this weight
2.The birthday party
3. Embarrassment when being weighed
4. Not being able to sleep=more time to study (I'm a geek, sue me :P )
5. Sick of my brother's clothes
6. Pumpkins don't marry princes

Pumpkin reference

Comments:

Emma I know, right? :D
I hate the feeling. On one side I know I will feel better when empty, on the other side I will feel like I've failed myself again. Why can't I sew my mouth shut?
Totally cheering for no eating after 6 pm.
<3

Wakey wakey

EnglishRose Petal, I've missed you A LOT. You've had me quite worried with the things you've posted recently. I'm glad you're okay though.
You can't possibly tell me that when you know how it feels when you hate yourself for being weak and eating.
<3

You know he's awesome.

Sammy Damon is overreacting as usual.
You know, if I could choose being a billionaire and being able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight and feeling bad, I would choose the second one within a heartbeat.
Don't remind me. I hate my life. This time last year I was exactly the same weight. Ugh. Shutting up now.
And if you asked me, I'd probably tell you: "anywhere from 0 to 3000?".  But you would probably guess as much.
xoxo

Believe in this one.

TinyRose I have two roses now. ;)
I can't stop myself.
Open the fridge. Look. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Take a bar. Put it back. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Eat the bar. Close the fridge.
Open the fridge. Eat everything. Purge everything. Close the fridge.
Something like this??
xoxo

I'll try everything again... Even though I said I wouldn't...

Hey loves...
Today was eventful *in the ED sense at least

Yesterday I had a strong resolve not to eat over 500 a day.
So this morning I ate 3 small mandarins (120) for breakfast
And my mom made cake.
The cherry vanilla kind.

And I was determined not to try it.
Except she made me.
One piece (380).

When she went to work all hell broke loose.
I ate two rows of it and purged it.
Then I binged on rice-meat-cabbage-bread and purged that too.
Then I went to the gym and burned 2600 on the stepper.

So nothing new in my life. xD
Starve. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Exercise.
I hate this.

Weight wise, I'm going down the rabbit hole.
153.7
It makes me okay with myself to know that I'm losing.

What I'll probably do 

Btw that vanilla cherry cake is still in the fridge.
And I crave it so badly.
The only thing stopping me from eating until I can't open my mouth anymore is the fact that it'll show on the scale tomorrow.
Mfp saying that if this goes on, I'll be 127 in 5 weeks helps too.

I don't know whether to be happy or scared or disgusted with myself.
I think I'll just stick with hate.


Stay strong lovelies <3

Only thing I could think of when the question is "When would you not feel guilty about eating?" I  obviously have problems.

Comments:

Emma Well in that case, I should drag you with me to the gym. <3

Neisa Rae I would love to read about your plans :) 13? That's awesome.
God, I hate the cycle. Especially before the period. It drives me insane.
Thanks, I try xD
Go. Run like the wind ;)

Ruby Thanks love <3 I hope you feel better yourself

Sammy Overexercising is a sweaty thing, love xDD
I like the purging comparison xD she also likes to make me miserable and bloated and gives me puffy eyes and hamster cheeks. Remind me again why I'm friends with her? XD
You'll see lower love. Just you wait.
I know that ED people usually have a distorted body image, but trust me, I would see myself as fat either way.
I see thin people and wonder if they have EDs too. I need a shrink.
<3

And even though nobody's watching....

Hello loves...
I've got some good and bad news...

Bad first?
Still overeating.
+1723
Still overexercising.
-2000

Anything new in the ED department?
Oh yes, purging came back full force.
I'm trying to stop it though.
So tell me what you want, what you really really want?
I wanna, I wanna, I really really wanna nice teeth.
So I HAVE to stop

Good news?
In the negativeeeee :)
Total: -277
My weight has dropped to 154.8
I don't think it will last, but we'll see.

November resolutions:
1. No binging
2. No purging
3. No eating after six pm
4. No eating bread
5. Goal weight 145 *preferably 140*
6. Goal measurements waist: 75 bust: 98
7. Goal intake 800 *preferably 500*
8. Goal water intake 2l *preferably more*
9. Goal exercise anything over 1000
10. Goal steps 5000 at least
11. Keep up the good grades in school.

I'm in my "I hate the world" mood right now.
Everyone makes me insane and I finally believe in the whole PMS syndrome.
Good I want to claw and bite at everyone so badly.
Be a good kitty is a really hard concept for me right now.

I hope you've had a few better days...

Stay strong lovelies <3

Comments:

Sammy I swear, you'll make me watch Glee so I can keep up with your posts... xD
Not helping. Your motivation. Or mine.
I judge myself enough for all of you. But thanks, it means a lot. <3
Believers, more often than not, burn up too caught up in their dreams.
Oh, trust me I know fat when I see it. Flabby, ugly, causing the gag reflex. Fat.
All the money I had, I spent it in good company <3 <3 <3 

K Oh, I won't lose it. I'll kill it and then burn the bridges, so it can't come back. xDD

Emma Thanks Love. Watching you is an inspiration. We started at the same weight, remember? ;) <3

So when you put your sins on one, and your heart on the other side... Who will save you from falling down??

Hey lovelies.
Sorry I've been missing out on your wonderful blogs.

My life is kind of a mess.
I gained all the weight I lost (again).
And now I stand at 157.6 ibs.
I just want to die.

Over eating.
Over exercising.
Not purging though.
I don't know really.

When I started to gain the weight, I was afraid that I was going to disappoint you.
So I didn't post.

Then I promised myself that I would post as soon as I go back to 145 again *I reached that one around the 20th September*.

But the weight never went down.
In a month + a few days I gained 12 pounds of fat. I feel disgusting.
And here we go again from here.

My plea's in.
It's your turn to judge.

Who are you now to decide whether or not I can be exposed to what you hide?

ABC day 3: 300 cal
W: 67 kg
Food: 284
Exercise: 66
An okay day if you ask me.

ABC day 4: 400 cal *this is where things get ugly
W:??
Food: way too much, didn't count
Exercise: none

ABC day 5: 100cal
W: 67kg
Food: 98
Exercise: 277
A negative day. :)

ABC day 6: 200 cal
W: 66.8
Food: 1370 (170 of which I ate for lunch, the rest was purged after dinner)
Exercise: 645 *Can you tell I felt guilty?

As you can probably see I'm a fat failure at dieting.
I wish I had enough will power to make myself not want.

Oh, and the whole scale thing. I don't know which one shows the correct number.
I'll be using the regular one until Monday. *final weigh-in for Piggy
From Tuesday, I'm switching to the digital one, because it shows me a higher number and is more accurate.
Also, all the new weight will be in ibs. Goal weights will be one BMI point away from one another. *6ibs for my height.

Technicalities, eh??

Comments:

Sammy :)

Sam Lupin You'll get there ;)
I like the picture. Yes, I was aware that it was her but I'm totally like "Oh, that's nice deary. Now, would you like some more tea?"
Technically, the sun IS a star. So the stars never miss the sun because it's one of them. Nerdy stuff <3
It was half the size of a match box, AND I did feel extremely guilty after eating it. xD
I hear you on LdC one. xDD
Don't get me started on Teddy bears. I have like 10 on a red scarf that I absolutely adore (but it only has the heads so that can be a little creepy), I have a HUGE one, on which I sleep, when I sleep on the floor. Unbelievable as it sounds, I find myself asleep on the floor quite often.
"the evil scale bitch wife Rachel"
You just HAVE to explain that.
Love, your dairy fairy butterfly <3

Venus Thanks love, that was very helpful of you. <3

WinterA I really hope you reach your goal. You know, you're like the ultimate thinspiration around here. You've started at 200 and made your way down. You. Are. Amazing. :)

Tatyana I still think I have super powers. xD But I'm glad I'm not the only one <3

Stay strong loves <3

Trying to win a losing game...

ABC day 1: 500cal *yesterday*
W: 68
Went better than planned.
450g broccoli 145
2tsp herbal mix 60 (probably overestimating, but get used to it)
a cookie 40
Total: 240

ABC day 2: 500cal *today*
W: 67.8
2tsp herbal mix 60
Yes, it makes me happy..

Now, I have a HUGE problem.
Or possibly my scales are having a fight.

The digital one, that my parents took away, I found at my grandfather's house.
I stepped on it, clothed, and I had a cardiac arrest.
69.3
Good lord, that was a shock.

My other scale, the regular one, showed 67.8 naked and 68.2 clothed.

Is it possible that I've been so wrong for that long?
Or is it just the surface?
Or am I a magical creature whose weight shifts for 1 kg in less than 15min?

Checking the scales tomorrow, on a hard surface.
Concrete, if possible.

Comments:

Eyedea Ja mislim da da. Nisam jela nista posle brokolija. Mrzim sirce. Mrzim kisele krastavce. Cista nesreca, s obzirom na to da kiselo ubija apetit. :)
Emma Well they have other stars a few light years away...We on the other hand have each other a few thousand km away...
Venus Guilty as charged. * referring to Stardust. Thanks, I try to make them fit in with my mood and everything. I'm glad that people like them. <3
Sam Lupin Your comment makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I almost consider it a giant teddy bear. Thanks for that <3
becca thanks love <3

Stay strong loves <3