“Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?”

Hey loves...

I've been thinking a lot about the title of the post.
I know what I'd draw. Myself.
Why?
Because I'm a paradox.

I wan't to be happy so badly, yet I always catch myself thinking of the things that make me sad. And I laugh all the time, but it's not a happy laugh at all.

I'm ambitious and I want to be perfect in everything I do, but I'm too lazy to do anything of great importance for myself.

I hate don't like myself. I know I'm fat. I know I'm a failure. I love WHO I am though.

I don't think anyone can understand. I can't understand. I am a walking contradiction (although it might have something to do with the fact that I'm a Gemini).

Anyway, today's the start of March.
I like to begin on firsts.
So I am changing myself starting today.

Starting with food.
I am not eating bread anymore.
I am not eating sweets anymore. *sorry Sammy*
I am drinking a lot of water.
I am exercising properly.

My meals will consist of shake for breakfast, small fruity snack, normal lunch (what is normal?), small snack, shake for dinner.

I will try to be truly happy, do the things that make me see the bright side, ignore the depressing thoughts.
I will do more to enhance my abilities instead of being a couch potato.

I will lose 10 lbs in March.

Love you <3

It’s just that…I think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know?

Hey loves

It's been a really rough week.
I ate like a small whale.
I like to blame it on stress because of school, but deep deep down I know that's not it.
I was simply too out of control.
I hope this won't happen again anytime soon.
The good side? I haven't binged OR purged in quite some time.

As for my eating:

500ml milk                  170
2 scoops shake           120
140g orange                 66
half cup rice                130
50g chicken                 58
(I checked this one 1000 times)
1 cup vegetable           60
3 slices french bread  180

So all in all 784 kcal, 53g protein, 115g carbs, 14g fat.

Seems like I'm getting better at starving myself, if we don't count last week.

I haven't stepped on the scale in a while. I will tomorrow.
I hope the results aren't horrible.

I had my measurements taken on Saturday in the club.
In the last week I lost 5.5 cm, which is awesome.
I still don't feel good though.
I don't really know why is that.

Love you <3

And when I leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people

Hey loves,
I'm back from Petnica.

It was pretty awesome.
I meet a huge number of people and got closer to some of them.
I also learned a lot about computers.
We were doing programming in assembler for Z80 and later on for ZX Spectrum.
We had a class on Mozilla Firefox OS and on how calculation works on computers and mistakes in it.
I had a great time and nearly no sleep.

I ate like a hippo while I was there, so I weighed in (on my scale) at 154.2
Kind of felt guilty but I got over it.

Oh, and I weighed in today at the club 157.6, same as last time.
And from the 1st February, when I started the program, I lost 4.8% fat and gained 3.8% muscle.
My visceral fat remains at 4 but I'm trying to get that number down.

Anyway, about my eating today

150g cooking chocolate     795
*That would be your influence Sammy*
1 tbsp chocolate shake      60
250 ml milk 0.5%              85
18g Xxl choco plazma       83
2 turkish delight                 70

So all in all 1304 kcal, 161g carbs, 27g protein, 61g fat

And Iv had 1165 kcal, 149g carbs, 53.5 g protein, 40g fat
Damn, my chocolaty habits.

Lots of love girls <3

Learn what it is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest

Hey loves

In the morning, my scale showed 154.4lb so that's ok.
In my club I weighed 157.4 and that's lower than before.
I am okay I guess.

About my eating today
700ml milk 0.5%           238
4 tbsp shake                   180
105g bagel                      289
180ml yogurt 2.8%        104
330g fruit yogurt           257

A total of 1068kcal, 65g protein, 157g carbs, 17.5g fat

My weight loss buddy, Iv, had (by my calculations) 635kcal, 45g protein, 85g carbs, 14g fat which is almost two times less than myself.

Motivation from that? Understatement of the year.
I need to get better at starving myself. Seriously.
If I want to win that is.

I realized I have a slight crush on my trainer, so that's extra motivation too.

My next weigh in is on Monday.
I want to be lower than today.
I must be lower than today.

I don't know.
I guess I'm back in the mindset and it feels great.
Although, I must admit that I'm scared that this time I just might take it too far.
God, I hope yes not.

Much love <3

The truth is never a lie

Hey loves

So I got a weight loss buddy.
She's a friend from school.
And we gave ourselves 100 days to get to the weight we want to be.

And the winner pays for Cesar salad and lemonade at the Queen.
Yes, I get that I'm not a dog and that I really really shouldn't reward myself with food, but I can't help it really. It gets me motivated.
Oh and at the moment she is 136lb with 172cm height and she wants to get to 122.
I'm sure she'll win, because my goal for May 24th (the end date of the challenge) is 130 from 156.
Oh, well. Participation matters, right?

Except, I don't really go for participation.
In order for me to win, I'd have to eat 700kcal a day.
With my two shakes at 350 that leaves me with 350 for the rest of the day.
I'm not sure if I can manage that for that long.

Oh, and another day my dad said something.
"Honey, you know I always tell you the truth?"
"Yeah, dad?"
"Well, you have a really pretty face insert a grinning me but if you were 25lbs lighter M would chase after you, hell he might even break his neck" insert a gaping fish face from me
Now, THAT's what I call one hell of a trigger, and he didn't even do it on purpose.
You have to love daddy, right?

It's another weigh-in day at the club tonight.
Dressed, after I ate, I am 155.6.
So that would be a 4.4 lb difference in 3 days if my Karma doesn't step in again.
I know she's a bitch, but hopefully she'll be sleeping tomorrow night or something like that.

Oh, and I'm going to Petnica science research center on Thursday.
So I might not be able to post until Monday.
Just letting you know.

Much love <3

She was like a piano in a country where everyone has had their hands cut off

Hey loves

I went on another rampage this morning.
I stepped on the damned thing in my bathroom and it showed 154.8.
If I could have strangled it, I would have done it no problem.
I can't believe what kind of karma I have.
Why didn't it show yesterday when I needed it?
I don't know if I've told you but the scale at my fit club shows 1.6lb more than my scale at home.
So that's another just peachy thing.

Enough with the ramble, let's skip ahead to my eating today:

500ml milk 0.5%                170
3tbsp chocolate shake         135
2 oranges                             162
200g vegetable                    144
1 potato boiled                     144
3 mandarins                        159

That is a total of: 914 kcal, 48,5g protein, 189,5g carbohydrates and 5.5g fat.

I feel proud of myself considering the situation.
It was all in all a good day.
Can't wait for the training tomorrow.

Much love <3

I touched her thigh and death smiled...

Hey loves

Today was progress checking day in my club.
I gained. I GAINED. G A I N E D 0.4 lbs.
Give me an applause please.
My trainer just looked at me and congratulated me on losing 4% fat and gaining 3.5% muscle, but I WAS NOT HAPPY.
God, I just wanted to kick something. HARD.

Anyway, the lecture today was about meal plans, healthy meals and water.
Something along the lines of:
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Breakfast will make you a champeeeeon"
I skipped it for the most part of my life.
"You have to have 2 snacks in between meals"
More calories? I don't think so.
"Drink more than 2l of water a day"
Been there, done that.

My muscle ache has mostly stopped.
There is this really cute guy who is also one of the trainers and who always helps me and only me with my exercises.
I think someone has a crush.

They also gave us a paper.
That wouldn't be so bad if they didn't tell us that the paper was where we were supposed to write exactly what we ate for the whole day.
How am I supposed to tell that all I ate yesterday was an apple?
They would murder me.
So, either lie or write the truth and be scolded into next century.
I don't know what to do.

Much love <3

Get ready. Get set. Go.

                                                                         

Hey lovelies.

First of all,  I weigh 157.4lb.
And I feel horrible about it.
Not that I expected anything less.

It's the third day of my lvl10 challenge.
We had a lecture on protein Saturday evening, not that I'm bragging or anything like that, but they had nothing new to tell me.

I waited until today to post for one simple reason.
Today was our first workout.
Oh girls, I cannot put into words just how much my thighs and stomach ache.
My trainer said it's only going to get worse but the light side would be that I'll get better at handling it.
I certainly hope so, because right now I can barely handle breathing.
By the way, he added a cheerful "See you Wednesday"
I was about to commit murder right then and there.

Talking about my eating, I can't go on the ABC, not right now anyway.
You see, lvl10 is part of HerbaVita's program.
You use their product, in my case the shake (Sammy, I ordered the CHOCOLATE flavor), and you get free workouts.
At the end of the 90 day challenge, the winner takes the money.
I loved the idea.

Anyway, back to the ABC thing. I'm supposed to eat the shake instead of breakfast and dinner which means two portions of 220 calories which is 440 calories if I only eat the shake.
Now, the average calorie day on the ABC is 250 (Yes, I calculated) so this won't work for me until the end of the 90 days.

About today:
bagel with cheese  247
1 turkish delight      35
3 veggie plates      324
1 regular bagel      307
2 pieces of bread  140
which makes it a total of 1053

Not bad I guess.
Not good enough.
I have to try harder than this.
I just have to.

Love you girls <3

I always come back, I always come back...

Hey lovelies,
it's been a while.
I don't really know what to say.
All I really seem to do is complain.

During the past few months I was at 130 at my lowest and at 164 at my highest.
I broke a leg during the time. And I mean quite literally.
So I am back at around 155. I'll weigh myself in the morning.

My prom is coming up in May.
I really need to go back to being thin.
Well, 130 wasn't really thin but it was thin compared to now.

Oh, and I don't know if I've told you, but I've started smoking.
I'm smoking Eve 120s right now.
And at the same time, the cigarettes make me sick and make me calm.
I am not happy.

I'm starting lvl10 training starting Saturday.
It's a challenge and it lasts for 90 days.
I want to be able to complete the ABC at least once.
So starting today, ABC, here I come.

I started reading "Wintergirls" again.
I find it to be an awesome trigger book.
If you're recovering ignore this, please.
I don't want to be to blame for pulling you down the rabbit hole with me again.

And it's not really a rabbit hole because we're not Alice.
This is a hell hole and we are all searching for something we can't get.
My next thought is "broken hearts lie all around me."
Well, at least I'm listening to good quality music, right?

How have you been?
I've missed you a lot, especially my two beauties EnglishRose and Sammy.
I'm going to check out their blogs right now to see what they are up to.

Much love girls <3