Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words. - Rumi

Hey loves.

Food diary:
4 pieces of toast       120
120g peach                47
250g tomato puree      68

total: 235 kcal, 7g protein, 50g carbs, 0g fat, 2g fiber

Believe it or not, but I didn't actually plan for the food diary to turn out this way.
I woke up really late and ate some toast.
Then I ate a peach.
And then the tuna grew fins, again.
I wasn't as upset today.
I just didn't have the energy to care.
So I ate the puree and toast and called it a day.

I won't be able to post for a few days.
I'm going tomorrow to see a friend who lives in a city nearby.
Let's call her JM.
JM is a student in Saint Petersburg and she came here for her summer vacation.
She's one of my best friends and I haven't seen in in over a year.
I can't wait.

She has a perfect hourglass figure although she weighs something like 160-165 ibs.
And she still manages to look better than me.
I'm afraid that I'm triggering her, because she has problems with her eating too.
We never discussed it, but I kind of think she has a b/p problem, so I'll try to eat as normally as possible while there.

The day after tomorrow is the first anniversary of my grandfather's death, so I'm visiting home again.
I'll probably weigh in sometime during the day, maybe bring the scale here too.
I am disrupting my studying schedule for the anniversary, but my grandfather was more of a father to me than my own father.
I remember how when I was overweight in 8th grade, he was the only one who supported me in dieting and bought healthy foods for me when I needed it most.
In high school, he'd wake me up and drive me to school every day.
He was the one who took me to the doctor's when I was ill.
He was the one who taught me to read and write and drove me to my competitons.
He was the one who I begged to tell me goodnight stories about pirates, so he made them up in a span of 15 minutes.

You have no idea how much I miss him.
When he died, I cried for days.
He was a keeper of my stories and then he was gone and I had no idea how to deal with that.
Sometimes, I still think he'd call to see how I'm doing, and then I realize that won't happen.
My father took his mobile number when he died.
I couldn't bring myself to change the caller ID for months, because when my father called, his name would light up the screen and that made me happy.
I'm insane, I guess.

On lingerie and tuna

Hey loves

Food diary:
500g  peaches             196
4 pieces of toast          120
150g sour cream           98
80g canned tuna          170
1 cup cappuccino        120

Totals:  705 kcal, 41g protein, 96g carbs, 21g fat, 8g fiber


The cappuccino wasn't really part of the plan for today.
I went out for coffee with a friend and we kind of stayed out for hours.
In between gossiping and dissecting our university and love lives, we went to a lingerie store.
And OH MY GOOD GOD I saw the most beautiful corset ever. EVER.
Here's a picture:

Absolutely gorgeous.
I'm in love.
There is only one in stock, the size is 75C, which fits me perfectly.
I have to have it.

Which brings me to another point:
I took my measurements this morning.
If there are two numbers, left one is first.
I'm using metric system, because it has smaller increments, so it's easier for me to track progress, since I don't have a scale here.

bust               98.8
chest              87.9
arm                26.7          26.3
wrist              15.5          15.5
waist              75.4
stomach         88.1
hips                91
but                 96.2
both thighs      89.5
thigh               54             53.7
calf                38.5           38.2

I don't really know if I'm happy about them or not.
I've been thinking on updating you on them every week, but it seems like too soon for some significant change, so a two week span in between measuring?
I can't decide.

Since I took them, I took some time to determine my body shape, out of curiosity.
It turns out that I have no idea what measurement I should put in for my hips.
If I put the 91 one, it says I'm a top hourglass and if I do it with the 96 one, it says regular hourglass.
The problem is, the instructions say that I should put in the 96 one, but I when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't really resemble a hourglass.
I really don't know.
Oh, and I've already known this, but it turns out that  I'm a mesomorph. High five me.

On another note, my landlady made me absolutely furious today.
So the basic story is this.
I technically live with her, but she actually has a family in Germany and spends most of her time there, or at least she used to before I moved in.

I left 80g of tuna for dinner before going out and told her that if she craved it, she could open another can of it, which stood in the fridge, next to the 80g that I left.
When I came back, she ate it and I quote: "because she was upset and nervous".

I get emotional eating, I really do.
God knows, I've done it enough times to be more than familiar with it.
My problem with the whole thing isn't that she ate it.
It's actually that I EXPLICITLY told her not to touch the 80g and just to open a new can if she wanted fish, and she did it anyway.

I kept quiet about it, but I was way past boiling point.
If I tell you something, then Jesus Christ, there's a reason, you might want to listen.
So I ended up spending another 15 minutes on trying to get the oil out of the new tuna can and with every squeeze I imagined her neck.
And today, there was also 80g left. If it grows fins and swims away to her digestive tract, I swear to God, I'll turn into a raging bull, because I've already seen red.

When you start liking pain things start to get interesting. - Jenny Holzer

Hey loves

First things first.
Food diary for today:
2 peaches                       156
4 pieces of toast             226
150g sour milk               98
1 egg                               71
250ml tomato puree      68
80g tuna in olive oil       170

totals: 787 kcal, 41g protein, 108g carbs, 24g fat, 8g fiber

My eating habits for the past few months went something like this.
I ate only when I was about to pass out.
I didn't think about food, I didn't count calories, I didn't have a scale.
I just bought something (usually processed or packaged sweets or chips) and ate when I realized I was hungry.
That's why I was maintaining I guess.
Small volume calorie bombs.

But now, since I consciously think about my calories and my eating habits, I've started to feel hungry again.
I don't think I realized that before, but winning against your hunger is something that gets you high.
You get this self-satisfied feeling when you say, oh I've had 200 for lunch and I won't eat anymore.

On another note, I am trying to have 5 meals a day, if you can call them that.
I'm using peaches as snacks and eat bigger dinners since I usually stay up later studying.
Just so my metabolism doesn't refuse to cooperate.
So far, all is well.

I was home a few days ago, and I debated with my mother should I or should I not bring the scale to the capital. She convinced me not to do it, but now I'm kind of regretting that decision.
The only way I can track the progress is by measurements and those fall off slowly as hell.
It's not that losing pounds is that big of a deal, I just love the feeling I get when I see the smaller number.
In general though, I am an okay looking person.
Yes, my belly could be flatter and my arms and thighs need a bit of slimming, but in general I don't look that big, I think.

Actually I take that back.
There are days when I feel okay with myself. On those days, I almost feel pretty.
Then, there comes a day, when no matter what I wear or how I try to hide the fat, I look in the mirror and see an elephant.
On those days I feel like a bull in a china shop with all the tiny little dolls.
On those days I can't stand myself.
It feels as if I'm pouring out of myself.

When I say that it was a good day, I usually don't just mean my food diary, I also mean my feelings about myself.
And today was a good day indeed.

My self-confidence can be measured out in teaspoons mixed into my poetry, and it still always tastes funny in my mouth. - Sarah Kay

Hey loves,

Today was an okay day I guess.
I started restricting again.
And it feels good.
Really good.

So food diary for today goes something along these lines:
2 peaches                       156
3 eggs                             216
180g sour milk               112
500ml tomato puree     148
4 pieces of toast             226

Total: 857 kcal, 37g protein, 124g carbs, 26g fat,  6g fiber

Not so bad I think, for a new beginning.
I have a medical condition that puts me at higher risk for diabetes type 2, so I have to be very careful with my sugar and carbs intake.
I'll have to lower my carbs intake a lot, and eat more fiber, but I'll deal with that later.
For now, I'm just happy to go back to heavier restricting and see the weight fall off again.

I went to a friend's house today.
We drank beer and ate peanuts.
I didn't allow myself to have any.
That made me feel really good about myself.

It's amazing what just one day can do.
I feel more confident and healthier and just basically good about myself.
That's strange for me, because I haven't felt like that in a long time.
All's well that ends well, I guess.
I just can't allow myself to be consumed by counting calories and weightloss and I'll be fine.
I hope.

Most of the pain you’re dealing with are really just thoughts—ever think of that?

Hey loves

By now, you're probably used to my disappearing and reappearing acts.
I'm not apologizing for them.

I've been thinking a lot these past few months.
Since March or so, I've been feeling so empty, so vacant, like my life was a straight line and every single thing I did, whether it was concering my education or my personal life, I did it because I was expected to do it.
I was expected to study.
I was expected to go out with friends.
I was expected to be a good girl and not sleep with guys who had girlfriends.
I was expected not to trigger myself by stepping on a scale, or reading "dangerous" blog posts or books, or look at my diary from a few years ago.
I was expected not to starve myself and fill myself up with food like your regular Thanksgiving turkey.

Fullfilling other people's expectations, I realized, got really old, really fast.
I started to wonder where did this nothingness in me come from.
I thought I used to be a half mess who starved herself and killed herself with overachieving, but at least I felt something.
So I started reading my own thoughts from a few years ago, exactly one of the things a good girl that I tried to be, wasn't supposed to be doing.

Guess what?
I felt something.
Sadness for who I was and for who I became in the process of pleasing others.

So, in May I started pleasing myself.
I slept with I guy I loved since childhood, even though my own mother gasped and screamed and threathened, because he had a girlfriend.
It felt good.

In July I studied because I wanted the highest mark.
I got it.
It felt good.
I backtracked with my studies, by annuling all the marks that weren't a 10.
That felt good, too.
And I am studying right now, because I do not want to be average, I want to be the best.
Old skin and old habits feel good.

For the last few months I've been in limbo with my weight, maintaining, balancing around 140.
I wasn't satisfied with it, but I guess it was okay because it's been a long time since I was that low and that kept me at an okay with myself for a while.

You know that moment in cartoons when a person opens a book and their whole face lights up with some strange golden glow and it's that moment that you know the character realized something important?
Today, I opened an old copy of Wintergirls.
I found notes scribbled all over the margines and half the text highlighted.
I was afraid to do that because I was afraid of relapsing.
I am not afraid anymore.

This blog was my haven for a long time.
People on here were my support pillars.
That is why I call all of you loves, you know?

And now, I am apologizing, to myself and to you for being away for so long, because here is where I want to be.

Once, I saw a bee drowning in honey and I understood. -Nikos Kazantzakis

Hi loves.
Just wanted to let you know, I skipped most of my meals these days.
I skipped physics so I could learn c++. I failed.

"You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; How could you become new if you haven’t first become ashes?"

Hi loves.
Thus spoke Zarathustra, I know, but now it's me speaking.
Or writing, if you get technical.

See, in the last few days, I realized one thing.
No one will be there to save you, you can only save yourself.
I can only save myself.

So, I've made a decision of sorts.
No more needy, bitchy, pathetic moaning and complaining about my problems and burdening other people with them.
It is hard but I am not a baby, therefore I don't need other people to be over caring or overindulging.
I need to be strong for myself.

And I when I say that, I mean it in every way possible.
I need to be successful for myself.
I need to be skinny for myself.
I need to be mentally able to take the ups as well as the downs.

So, starting from today, I've stopped complaining about my faculty.
I'll stop eating soon enough.
I'll start studying sooner.

See, it's exam week and I have my exams in the next order:
Tuesday -algorithms and data structures
Thursday - physics
Friday- Object-oriented programming (c++)
Saturday- databases
Sunday - basics of computer hardware

And I have to do well. I just have to.

About my eating today:
-500ml soup (121)
-homemade beans 200g (234)
-2 slices white bread (116)
-4 lollipops (120)
Which totals to a car crash.
591 kcal, 21g protein, 109g carbs, 8g fat, 1g fiber

And I will not talk about complaining because I'm supposed to be strong and independent, I guess.

Now on to the interesting part.
Last night, I talked to the best friend of my best friend who is in love with me, you remember.
All of my friends think he likes me, and I'm beginning to think the same, because the conversation turned into a full blown flirting session until the mention of our mutual best friend.
One love triangle, please!
On another note, my long distance ex-boyfriend wants to be with me again. I only want a friends with benefits thing, because let's face it: Long distance relationships suck.

You know, I find it strange that so many people like like me, when I can barely tolerate myself more often than not. To me it's a baffling thing.
I begin to wonder: What is it that they like so much?
My body? That can't be true, because even now, I'm fat as hell.
My brain? How can you like someone who is sad half the time, and the other half acts like jazz jackrabbit on a sugar rush?
My way of talking? I try to fit as many words in as few seconds as possible.
My humor? I almost cry every time I have a funny thought because I realize how sad it really is. I absolutely despise black people jokes, blonde jokes, dark humor, Hitler jokes, nationality jokes. To me, they are all a sad attempt at humor because they make fun of serious issues in society and that it NOT funny.

And I should probably be studying right now, so I'm off.
Have a nice few days.

Because I know there are some of you who need to read this.

Skinny, all my monsters singing...

Hi.
I wasn't on here for a while.
You know, every time something goes well in my life I feel the need to disappear from here.
It's not "I don't have the time to post", it's running away from the problems I have, problems I can see screaming through every post. It's like, if I don't post, I'm fine and everything's fine and I don't have to deal with depression or eating disorders or all the other monsters hiding under my bed.




"...she'll swerve and the bike will flip and send her screaming because she forgot her wings again and gravity  never  forgets and then she'll hit that nasty mattress"
-Wintergirls

Monsters never forgot, I just hit rock bottom.

I've never been skinnier. I've never felt worse.

See, the college thing is going awful.
I'm ashamed to say that:
-I slept through one graded exercise
-I copied another
-I failed the third

My social life is going awful:
-My best friend is in love with me
-Our mutual friend hates me because I talk with my best friend because it "doesn't give him time to chill out"
-My ex-boyfriend's father just died and I don't know how to help him get through  it

My mental state is, to be completely fair, a complete and utter mess.
I feel like I don't have control over anything. I feel like a needy, disgusting brat who thinks only about herself even though people around me are suffering more. I hate myself so much.

I hate myself because I laugh everyday and pretend everything's fine.
I hate myself for wasting my time.
I hate myself for not wasting away already, because all I seem to do is cause other people to be unhappy and it hurts me, and I feel like I can't do anything about it.