First things first.
Food diary for today:
2 peaches 156
4 pieces of toast 226
150g sour milk 98
1 egg 71
250ml tomato puree 68
80g tuna in olive oil 170
totals: 787 kcal, 41g protein, 108g carbs, 24g fat, 8g fiber
I ate only when I was about to pass out.
I didn't think about food, I didn't count calories, I didn't have a scale.
I just bought something (usually processed or packaged sweets or chips) and ate when I realized I was hungry.
That's why I was maintaining I guess.
Small volume calorie bombs.
I don't think I realized that before, but winning against your hunger is something that gets you high.
You get this self-satisfied feeling when you say, oh I've had 200 for lunch and I won't eat anymore.
On another note, I am trying to have 5 meals a day, if you can call them that.
I'm using peaches as snacks and eat bigger dinners since I usually stay up later studying.
Just so my metabolism doesn't refuse to cooperate.
So far, all is well.
The only way I can track the progress is by measurements and those fall off slowly as hell.
It's not that losing pounds is that big of a deal, I just love the feeling I get when I see the smaller number.
In general though, I am an okay looking person.
Yes, my belly could be flatter and my arms and thighs need a bit of slimming, but in general I don't look that big, I think.
There are days when I feel okay with myself. On those days, I almost feel pretty.
Then, there comes a day, when no matter what I wear or how I try to hide the fat, I look in the mirror and see an elephant.
On those days I feel like a bull in a china shop with all the tiny little dolls.
On those days I can't stand myself.
It feels as if I'm pouring out of myself.
And today was a good day indeed.
i just remembered to click back on last post to see if you've replied. ah, yes, the font on my blog is a bit... much, but i love it.
ReplyDeleteAYE. i know there's a new film coming out. and there's that play. *shudders in excitement*
"There is a difference, I think, between being consumed by it and being conscious of it and trying to get it to a minimum." very, very very true.
and don't feel guilty about it. you know, recovery is a hard choice to make and the anxiety that comes with it in the beginning can be a bit much, but i do believe that it is worth it. can't say i'm fully recovered, but oi, i try to normalise my life and make sure to have a life out of it. as long as i can live day to day without being constricted by food and the thought of "oh my god, what am i going to eat/when am i going to eat" about 3,000 times that day then i say i'm doing marvellous.
it really is just so refreshing to see you.
now, onto this post...
what is sour milk? i know you've written it before, but i must've forgotten to ask what it was!
oh God, a blast from the past. i ate that way when i was depressed (eating small volume calorie bombs) all day long. i did lose, but i think my body works backwards. i gain when i eat all healthy and i am more liable to binge too (not a very good thing to do when you're in recovery). i'm somewhere in between right now (eating a healthy breakfast/lunch) and dinner is when the choco comes out. needless to say, i can control my eating more now.
i hope you have more good days. you deserve to feel good about yourself, and i know exactly what you meant by it too.
i love you a tonne, sweetheart xxx
-Sam Lupin
I told you, I like it. I found a way to read it, on mobile it looks like times new roman, so I don't have to copy paste to word.
DeleteAbout the sour milk thing, it's a literal translation of a kind of dairy product we have here.
Basically though, it has consistency and texture of sour cream, although it has something like 3.2% milk fat. I realized that it kind of doesn't exist by that name in myfitnesspal's food base, so I looked up the translation, but it translates to yogurt, which is not satisfying for me, because yoghurt's is a LIQUID in my mind. I used sour cream instead in later posts.
I hope I explained that well.
I remember. There was a period of time in which you tried some only chocolate diet. I was too scared to do it because of the calories, but in my mind it sounded awesome.
I'm glad you're doing better btw, I really am.
Love you too, Sammy xoxo