Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies...

Sorry about disappearing of the face of the Earth.
My parents took away my digital scale because "It's unhealthy to measure yourself that often, kitten"
I almost went insane without it.
I bought a new one though. I keep it under my bed now.
It's in kg and it's a regular one so I'm kind of pissed of.

Anyway, since today is the 15th, it's official weigh in day.
This morning I was exactly 67 kg
*147.7, for those of you who measure in ibs*
I was happy but I want to be at least 65 by the 23rd *which is the next weigh in day*

Change in measurements:
Neck: 35cm - 35cm
Arm: 29cm - 28cm
Wrist: 17cm - 17cm
Bust: 102cm - 100cm
Waist: 81cm - 79cm
Hips:  94cm - 92cm
Thigh: 57cm - 56cm
Calf: 40cm - 40cm
Ankle: 24 cm - 24cm

Oh I almost forgot:

Mom said this to me the other day:

I eat like a pig.

I went to the friend's birthday party.
Everyone kept staring at me.
I felt like on display.
MY GOD.
As if I don't know I'm fat.
They could have tried to make the staring less obvious.

P broke up with his girlfriend.
At least I think he did.
Is it awful that it makes me unbelievably happy?

When I sleep, I dream.
I usually remember the dreams.
They are very vivid and in them I am enough.
Can you blame me for wanting to be Snow White for the rest of my life?

Comments:

Emma If, by any chance, you don't achieve the goal for September, I am going to lock you into the gym until you do, and you have my permission to do the same to me. <3

The lovely bones You have a personal support system in me whenever you need it. Stay strong lovely <3

WinterA I get that you are older than me but I WILL boss you around until you reach that 180. You're doing great <3


I am in a bossy mood right now.
Love you to bits ladies <3

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while...

130ibs by 3rd September...
130ibs by 3rd September...
130ibs by 3rd September...
130ibs by 3rd September...
130ibs by 3rd September...
130ibs by 3rd September...
130ibs by 3rd September...

I need to remember that.
This means I have 54 days left.

Today has been ok so far.
I've had:
3 cups of coffee.
a piece of cake 500??
piece of gum

I planing on that being it for today.

I'm taking my dog for a walk tonight.
I cleaned my room.

On the 13th I have to attend a friend's birthday party.
I have to be 147 by then.
I just have to.

Comments:

Kate I can't. I have terrible cramps during my period. I fasted for 3 days. It was easy :)
Flawed design It is always frustrating. But that's ok. :)
Louise Seems we all want to be 130 by Sept :)

Stay strong my loves <3

152.4

I used LoserTown a lot for the past few days.

I came to a few new conclusions.

In order to reach 130 by 3rd September I have to fast.

I am not quitting the ABC, far from it.

For example.

Today, if following the ABC my calorie limit would be 400.

And I will take in those calories only if:

1) liquid

2) near fainting

Weight 152,4 ibs

I lost 0.4 ibs today so that's good. 

Right?

Now for the plan to work, I need to lose 0.36 ibs per day which means a deficit of 1400-1500 cals per day.
My BMR is 1541.
So fasting is necessary.

Sorry about the boring post.
I just had to put it on paper.

Comments:

EnglishRose: I love swans too. Every picture that I post is not just a picture. Take the swan for example. It screams "ugly duckling". At least to me it screams. xD

Rayya: Would it be too blatant of a lie to say it is? xD

Just kidding. It will be me, one day :)

Stay strong loves <3

ABC day 1

"So you've finally started huh??"
Scratching my head, laughing awkwardly.
"Yeaaaaaaah"

I have no idea what my weight is.

I'll check in an hour or two.

(I don't have a scale at home, just at my granddad's)

So far I've had:
-piece of bread  150?
-some mixed vegetables (size of a fist) 300?

It's not regular bread, it has all those seeds and weeds in it.Mom buys it at some "healthy food" store, and it has no calorie data on the package. 

I'm going insane because of her.Oh, an interesting fact. 

When I eat bread, I only eat the crust. I hate the middle.

I'm so weird.

From 150 to 120.

I've been reading "The bridge on the Drina" by Ivo Andric.

It's a lovely book.

It about a small town called Visegrad on the river Drina and it's inhabitants during the Turkish rule.

He won the Nobel prize for it.

Just sayin'.
^_^

Made me want to tell someone.

But everyone would freak.

So I keep quiet and fall down the rabbit hole.

I've been thinking of posting a picture of me as soon as I fix my camera. 

What do you guys think?? 

Comments:

Rayya:   http://www.shopyourshape.com/calculate-your-body-shape.html 

Just enter your measurements and Voila!
<3

EnglishRose: And shoulders the size of Russia xDD
But hey, when I'm thin, they can use me as a hanger. xDD

WinterA: I thnik you look like an hourglass from the picture.

But take your measurements, just enter them and the computer will tell you.

On the bright side, you're still a meso. Online high-five. :D

Not giving up. Ever. <3


Stay strong lovelies <3 (and Ivo)

...and when I'm left alone with the voices in my head, I find myself on the very brink of sanity...

I'm on my period.

I feel bloated and disgusting.

And my weight jumped up to 152.8

I hope that's just the bloat.

I  never really could decide which body shape I am.

I was NOT a pear, I knew that much.

And I was something between an apple and hourglass.

Turns out , they have a name for that too.

Inverted triangle.

Yay.

NOT.

On the bright side, I 'm a mesomorph.

That means:

-fast metabolism

-proportionately built, store fat evenly

-weight control and management aren't a problem

-high amount of lean muscle

-lower body fat percentage overall

-less exercising needed to control weight

-less chance of weight regain

I feel lucky as hell after reading this again.

I guess I'm just weird like that.

^_^

One package of instant motivation please.

Comments:

Rayya: Thanks honey <3

EnglishRose: I just don't know what to say. You're the most supporting person ever. Thank you for being here. xoxo

Ruby: I'm messed up. That much is obvious. The rest... nobody cares anyway... 

Oh, I try.... ^_-

Ivo: Thanks. ^_^

I was going to ask you if you were from the Balcanic region, but it's alright if you don't want to answer. I understand. :)

Well, it takes one to know one.... Kid, I think you've got it bad...

How can I say that I have an eating disorder when I eat so much? 
How can I say I have a disorder when I’m not even underweight? 
Not even near being underweight? 
How can I say that? 
I feel like I’m an insult to everyone who has a real disorder, because I just feel like mine isn’t real.
I feel like a mockery.

I'm back under 150. 

Still a failure though.

Breakfast: Plate of fried zucchini

Lunch: A packet of frozen cherries

I saw P on Sunday.
He looked like a shirtless dream.
He laughed and smiled and ran and never said hi.

And besides, he has a girlfriend.
Nothing special, most of my friend said.
Still thinner than me, I muse.
So I can't help but wonder..
If I were thinner...

I guess not.

No one ever knew how.

The end.

Weight goal: 130 by 23 July.
Don't tell me is unrealistic.
I know that already.
I just need hope.

Comments:

Emma Phoenix: I also thought that the dream-catcher is amazing and also, I like it as a symbol. 


Ednos Linny: Don't give me ideas... :P


WinterA: Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero information on the nutrition. I stopped buying them anyway. xD
Btw congrats on your weight loss 
PS. I would kill the 12 year-old. She seems really rude.


Sleepwalker: Thanks honey... xoxo


Remie: Awesome. Keeping my fingers crossed for both of us. :)


Ahava: That's exactly the problem. They taste great. xD


EnglishRose: Thanks petal (Pun very much intended) :)
I'll try to keep that in mind. <3

Abusing cookies..

Ever heard of that??
No?
I am acctually that messed up.
I am not allowed to buy laxatives since I'm not 18 yet.
So I did the next worst thing.
There are these cookies called "Probavino" and they can help you with your ...well you know....
And I ate a ton of them this week and they really work.
The only downfall is: I have no idea how many calories they have.
And it horrifies me.

Okay about the eating thing:

200g Probavino I'm guessing 800?

plate of mixed veggies 60

50g meat 80

4 pieces of chocolate 130 

Coffee?? 

Total: 1070

And that's how they make horror movies kids.

Oh I almost forgot....

I took my measurements today.

Right after a meal though but whatever.

neck: 35cm

chest: 102cm

waist: 81cm

hips: 94cm

thigh: 57cm 

calf: 40cm

arm: 27cm

wrist: 17cm

Horror.
I won't stop until my waist is 60cm.
I promise.

Comments:

We are all mad here: That's the only reason to like winter, fireplaces I mean. Most of the time I prefer the heat though. :)

WinterA: Heyy, turn that frown upside down. Same goes for your eating habits for the last few days. You can do it. I believe in you.. :)

Emma Phoenix: I haven't started yet. I'm really getting on my nerves right now... :D




Stay strong lovelies <3

Calling out for something unknown...

Hey girlies...
I've changed the name of the blog...
I felt it fit me better than the previous one..

Anyway not much too report.
I only have two grades that aren't done with and that would be Chemistry and Psychology and then I'm done. D.O.N.E.
Next week is going to be all sunshine and heat and we're not allowed to wear anything but long pants and t-shirts. It will be hell. Hell, I tell you... :)

Obviously I'm in a good mood but I feel guilty for being in a good mood.
Especially since my ABC diet hasn't started yet and I weighed myself.
*152.2 Horror, but that was after I ate and drank a ton of water*

Oh, about the eating...

1 cooked potato                  118  
1 piece of fish                      84
3 pieces of toast      3*77=231    
1 sour milk (6% fat)          182
3 lemons                   24*3=72
3 tbsp honey           64*3=192
1 tbsp hot pepper                17

Total:                               896 cal


Okay, I didn't go over 1000 but I still feel like a failure....
I must be insane because with this weight my BMR is 1542.
I'm eating 2/3 of it and it's just... ugh
I wish I was normal. Really.

Posting the ABC again. I am so desperate.. xD

Comments:

@WinterA:
I've obviously messed up. Again. Trust me, my mom is always like that. It's like she can't stand anyone thinner or prettier than her. I hate that. How was "tomorrow" for you??

@Sleepwalker:
Oh, I do.... :*

@Venus:
Long live magic...xDD Btw I miss your stories.... I love reading your writing... Please post them again??

@Englishrose:
Try weeks?? :)

@Ahava:
Gifs? Gotta love tumblir.. ;)  I used to purge but I try not to do it anymore... I did. And it almost made me cry... But you were right, it made me stop binging for the rest of the day.. thanks <3 <3


Stay strong lovelies.. <3

Rants...

I also don't care.
So why do you want to hurt me so bad??

Anyway, now that that's over with, I'm going to tell you what a oh-so-horrible day I've had.
I. can't. stop. eating.
I have no idea why.
I know I'm not hungry.
And I stop myself from opening the cupboards.
And then not 15min later I catch my hands stuffing my face with basically anything and everything.
It's like I am stuck in a nightmare.
Trapped.

Also my mother keeps triggering me...

I think I've lost some weight. *does a spiral in front of me. I pretend not to notice*

Have you eaten all that food? You're going to get fat.

Here. Take the chocolate. God knows you don't eat anything anyway.

And we go in a circle from there..

About my weight? No idea. Haven't stepped on the scale in more than a week.
To be perfectly honest, I am afraid to.
But on Monday morning I will.
I have to.

And you girls?
I love you.
So much.

I may not comment on your blogs, but I read them.
I simply don't know what to say.
I understand though.

Stay strong lovelies  <3

Just start already...

Hey lovelies... 

I'm back from Petnica. It was awesome.

Plan for the next few days is eat as little as possible and restart the ABC on Monday... 

Stay strong <3