154.6 and you're here to save me

And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind: Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in...

Hey loves.

I was wondering if you knew whose birthday it is today?
Marilyn Monroe.

I got to thinking.
She was normal, if not a little on the curvy side.
But she was IS considered a sex symbol.

We idealize, well, skeletons and keep Marilyn buried in the back of our minds.
Strange, don't you think?

As far as my life goes, I ate around 1000 calories. (peas, hot dog, fried potatoes)
I don't feel too bad about it, so I feel horrible about the fact that I don't feel bad for eating that much at all.
Eh, ED problems.

Still haven't got the gym membership.
I am going to go there on Wednesday even if it's the last thing I do.

Thank you, Norma Jean

You cover illness with flowers. And flowers die.

Hey loves.

I'm doing better.
I got my period on Sunday so the gym plan is delayed for now.

I watched Hunger Point last night and quite frankly it scared me to death.
I don't want to be like Shelly.
I don't want to shake and cry and beg at the sight of food.
But at the same time, I do.
That's weird, considering the fact that right now, food gives me panic attacks.

I can't really explain it very well but I get scared because of one of two things.
One: I will be tempted to eat and that's a no-no.
Two: I will eat so much I will have no other choice but to purge and I absolutely despise the purging me.

I guess I have two mindsets when it comes to food. Three maybe.
One of them is the anorexic one: Don'teatfoodisbadforyou youwillgetfatifyou eatthatpieceofcarrot teahastwocaloriesacup
The other is the bulimic one: Eateateatyouknowyou cangetridofitlateron whyshouldyourestrict whenyoucanexercise thehelloutofitand stillbeinthenegative

Strange thing is, I never really thought of using diet pills.
I feel like I'm cheating when I'm taking them, and cheating me is not me in control.
Cheating me is even filthier than the eating me because the cheating me appears to be something that she is not in her essence.

I seem so happy, don't I?

I want to be thin so badly.
That's partly the reason why I tried to trigger myself last night.
I accomplished the deed, but now I feel like a failure. Again.
I don't know.
Maybe it's got something to do with all the rain.
It seems that the sky has decided to flood the world.
And I am all about sunny kind of girl, so that doesn't go very well with my mood.

Lots of love to you girls <3

Jasmine

Hey loves
I've wanted to post for the longest time but I just didn't know what to write.

I feel like I've spiraled out of control of any kind.
I feel inept and inadequate.
I feel lost.

I do have a boyfriend now. It's N. He's not in town at the moment and he's coming on the 17th of June aka my 18th birthday. I need to be as thin as possible by then.

I haven't weighed myself since my last post. I'm terrified that I've gained up to 160 again although rationally I can't be more than 155.

I'm going to the gym on Monday. They are going to strip my soul naked and weigh me and measure and I'm going to be embarrassed but I deserve it because I'm a fat, lazy pig with no self control.

And I'm going to beg and plead and scratch at my mind to stop me from eating anything but it won't answer because it's been long lost in the whirlwind of this obsession I have.

I saw M a few days ago. He didn't see me, but as he was passing by, my breath hitched of its own accord and a thought slipped into my ears:

"He would've been yours if you were thinner because that's what happened last time when you had the reins in your grip. Do you forget that easily? Do you give up that easily? Remember the strong you."

Also, I've put my favourite Disney princess on my phone's wallpaper.
 She looks straight at me with those huge eyes and whispers:

"You want to be like me, don't you? 

Why eat then? 

Why make yourself feel guilty over and over again when you could just stop with this endless binge? 

Why do you look up to me when you are clearly not worthy of being my pupil?

 Look at me! 

 I am perfection.

 And I know the way, so get up and follow."

Just give me a reason

Hey loves.
I'm back under 150.
Very happy because of that.

Today I ate
a plate of peas
some bread
a bite of chicken

All adding up to no more than 500.

Also, very happy because of that.

I have some love problems.

See, there's this guy, M. He is the bane of my existence, the one who I can't get over. And he has gotten over me quite some time ago and now has a girlfriend of almost two years.

And then there's this other guy, N. We started of as friends but I've always had a hunch that he had a crush on me, which turned out to be true. Now, he plays basketball for Partizan, which is sth like the most popular club in our country. He is handsome as hell and a nice guy, all in all. AND he likes me A LOT. And I just can't force myself to be his girlfriend.

So make me, please.

Love you <3

You were saying?

So girls, I have to admit something.
I think this is the first time I called you girls.
No, that's not what I wanted to say.
Keep to the script woman!

I haven't known my weight all along, although you thought I would say that, didn't you?
Don't say "no" now.
I know you well enough.

Today was actually the first day I stepped on the scale.
I bought the scale like forever ago but I couldn't muster the courage.
I am a coward, I know ok?
So.. 157.6
I am a FAT failure.
Right back at the beginning.
Life works in strange ways.

That was me confessing something number 1.
Get ready for number 2.

I am a straight A student.
Not your occasional-B-straight-A-student.
I am the-regional-competition-in-Maths,-History,-Biology,-Chemistry,-Physics-student.

Today was the regional in maths.
I flunked it.
I am a  FAT STUPID failure.

And confession number 3, because third's the charm, right?
Last night, before my competition, around midnight, I was lying in my bed.
I was shaking, feeling sick and anxious.
I couldn't get my brain to fall asleep.
I have been trying since 10pm.
I wasn't thinking about food at all.
All I ate yesterday were two pieces of chocolate.

Next thing I know, I find myself in the kitchen, my  hands reaching for the first eatable thing and pushing it inside me. And pushing. And pushing. And I wasn't able to stop.

Next picture.
Me in the bathroom.
Purging my guts out.
Me taking a shower.
Me brushing my teeth.

Me falling asleep.
Turns out, I am ill.

I am a big FAT STUPID EATING-DISORDERED failure.

Loving you all to bits <3

PS I answered the comments down there.

She stays lost in the middle of her own world somewhere. You can’t get in and she doesn’t come out.

So I've been missing.
Again.
I have that horrible habit of disappearing from time to time.
Sue me.
Although I do feel bad about it.

Anyway, I bought a scale.
So tomorrow morning I'm stepping on it and seeing my weight.
And taking my measurements.
All will be posted.
I get nervous when I think about it.

Some of my friends are doing a project on anorexia and bulimia.
I went insane when I heard, in my head I mean.
I was so worried.

You see, I refuse to believe that I am ill.
I know that my eating habits are weird.
Throwing up, Starving, Binging.
The whole nine yards.
I UNDERSTAND that it's far from normal.
But I am NOT ill.
I can stop doing it whenever I want.
Right? Right.

So I'm very scared that someone will point at me when they hear what my friends have to say.
I wouldn't want that.
I'm aware that there is almost no chance of that happening but still.
My nerves are absolutely wrecked.

My plans for the rest of January.
Fast.
Five days.
120 hours.
I can do it.
I know I can.

Stay strong loves <3