Jasmine

Hey loves
I've wanted to post for the longest time but I just didn't know what to write.

I feel like I've spiraled out of control of any kind.
I feel inept and inadequate.
I feel lost.

I do have a boyfriend now. It's N. He's not in town at the moment and he's coming on the 17th of June aka my 18th birthday. I need to be as thin as possible by then.

I haven't weighed myself since my last post. I'm terrified that I've gained up to 160 again although rationally I can't be more than 155.

I'm going to the gym on Monday. They are going to strip my soul naked and weigh me and measure and I'm going to be embarrassed but I deserve it because I'm a fat, lazy pig with no self control.

And I'm going to beg and plead and scratch at my mind to stop me from eating anything but it won't answer because it's been long lost in the whirlwind of this obsession I have.

I saw M a few days ago. He didn't see me, but as he was passing by, my breath hitched of its own accord and a thought slipped into my ears:

"He would've been yours if you were thinner because that's what happened last time when you had the reins in your grip. Do you forget that easily? Do you give up that easily? Remember the strong you."

Also, I've put my favourite Disney princess on my phone's wallpaper.
 She looks straight at me with those huge eyes and whispers:

"You want to be like me, don't you? 

Why eat then? 

Why make yourself feel guilty over and over again when you could just stop with this endless binge? 

Why do you look up to me when you are clearly not worthy of being my pupil?

 Look at me! 

 I am perfection.

 And I know the way, so get up and follow."