Hey loves.
I'm doing better.
I got my period on Sunday so the gym plan is delayed for now.
I watched Hunger Point last night and quite frankly it scared me to death.
I don't want to be like Shelly.
I don't want to shake and cry and beg at the sight of food.
But at the same time, I do.
That's weird, considering the fact that right now, food gives me panic attacks.
I can't really explain it very well but I get scared because of one of two things.
One: I will be tempted to eat and that's a no-no.
Two: I will eat so much I will have no other choice but to purge and I absolutely despise the purging me.
I guess I have two mindsets when it comes to food. Three maybe.
One of them is the anorexic one: Don'teatfoodisbadforyou youwillgetfatifyou eatthatpieceofcarrot teahastwocaloriesacup
The other is the bulimic one: Eateateatyouknowyou cangetridofitlateron whyshouldyourestrict whenyoucanexercise thehelloutofitand stillbeinthenegative
Strange thing is, I never really thought of using diet pills.
I feel like I'm cheating when I'm taking them, and cheating me is not me in control.
Cheating me is even filthier than the eating me because the cheating me appears to be something that she is not in her essence.
 |
| I seem so happy, don't I? |
I want to be thin so badly.
That's partly the reason why I tried to trigger myself last night.
I accomplished the deed, but now I feel like a failure. Again.
I don't know.
Maybe it's got something to do with all the rain.
It seems that the sky has decided to flood the world.
And I am all about sunny kind of girl, so that doesn't go very well with my mood.
Lots of love to you girls <3
i really really love the title you sed for this. omg.
ReplyDeletefuck. panic attack induced by foods. omg. i know how that feels. and it is not fucking fun. you know i get a few minutes of panic when people just look at what im eating
its just why the fuck would you do that
why the fuck do you care
you seem happy though you may not be, but you loook absolutely stunning and gorgeous and i don't even know why you'd try to lose weight because you look completely normal to me.
you're beautiful, honey. don't forget that.
also, it kills me to read some of the words you've written and i don't know what to say to them, but i hope you're feeling better today.
-Sam Lupin
I do try with my titles and pictures :)
DeleteI don't know. I just do.
That's not what my *stick thin* mother says. She believes I need to lose at least until 55 kg.
The worst part is I absolutely agree with her.
xoxo
Good luck and you do look happy in the photo. Food can be such a struggle, but I always try to stick to the moderation rule. Lately I've been a little depressed and binging. I have two types of depressed, one where I don't want to eat and one where I eat everything in sight. I don't know what is worse!
ReplyDeleteStay strong!
I hate the binge part.
DeleteAt least, when I don't eat, I lose weight.
xoxo