So girls, I have to admit something.
I think this is the first time I called you girls.
No, that's not what I wanted to say.
Keep to the script woman!
I haven't known my weight all along, although you thought I would say that, didn't you?
Don't say "no" now.
I know you well enough.
Today was actually the first day I stepped on the scale.
I bought the scale like forever ago but I couldn't muster the courage.
I am a coward, I know ok?
So.. 157.6
I am a FAT failure.
Right back at the beginning.
Life works in strange ways.
That was me confessing something number 1.
Get ready for number 2.
I am a straight A student.
Not your occasional-B-straight-A-student.
I am the-regional-competition-in-Maths,-History,-Biology,-Chemistry,-Physics-student.
Today was the regional in maths.
I flunked it.
I am a FAT STUPID failure.
And confession number 3, because third's the charm, right?
Last night, before my competition, around midnight, I was lying in my bed.
I was shaking, feeling sick and anxious.
I couldn't get my brain to fall asleep.
I have been trying since 10pm.
I wasn't thinking about food at all.
All I ate yesterday were two pieces of chocolate.
Next thing I know, I find myself in the kitchen, my hands reaching for the first eatable thing and pushing it inside me. And pushing. And pushing. And I wasn't able to stop.
Next picture.
Me in the bathroom.
Purging my guts out.
Me taking a shower.
Me brushing my teeth.
Me falling asleep.
Turns out, I am ill.
I am a big FAT STUPID EATING-DISORDERED failure.
Loving you all to bits <3
PS I answered the comments down there.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!
ReplyDeleteA failure would be someone who gave up a person who didnt care and a person is never a complete failure so dnt say it! you have the ability to do great things
dont put too much pressure on yourself no one is perfect
instead of weight goals try goals in life these are the goals that will get you somewhere that make u feel worthy being a number wont because i know i know its never enough ive been there ive been severely underweight and all your hopes aspirations straight As wont happen
your young you can change believe in yourself you can
xx
you are nowhere near a failure
ReplyDelete157.6 or 500 i will take you in any way. you are lovely. you're lovely to me.
i'm sorry
you're amazing if you are a regional competitor. must be. awww love please
and don't purge. please just do not purge. i hate the thought of it.
im sorry you feel like this. it actually hurts me to read.
-Sam Lupin
You are not a failure. :'( it is completely normal to mess up to get bad grades, you don't need to be perfect. People will still love you the same no matter what your weight no matter how many f's you get no matter how many times you purge, because you are a person. So long as you are simply alive that is enough reason for you to be loved. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are the furthest thing from a failure. You're more then your weight, and you're more then your grades. They are parts not the sum. We're allowed to make mistakes, to not be perfect, to not have numbers rule our lives. Grades, weights, numbers give the illusion of some order and control, but they also make us cuckoo.
ReplyDelete