I always come back, I always come back...

Hey lovelies,
it's been a while.
I don't really know what to say.
All I really seem to do is complain.

During the past few months I was at 130 at my lowest and at 164 at my highest.
I broke a leg during the time. And I mean quite literally.
So I am back at around 155. I'll weigh myself in the morning.

My prom is coming up in May.
I really need to go back to being thin.
Well, 130 wasn't really thin but it was thin compared to now.

Oh, and I don't know if I've told you, but I've started smoking.
I'm smoking Eve 120s right now.
And at the same time, the cigarettes make me sick and make me calm.
I am not happy.

I'm starting lvl10 training starting Saturday.
It's a challenge and it lasts for 90 days.
I want to be able to complete the ABC at least once.
So starting today, ABC, here I come.

I started reading "Wintergirls" again.
I find it to be an awesome trigger book.
If you're recovering ignore this, please.
I don't want to be to blame for pulling you down the rabbit hole with me again.

And it's not really a rabbit hole because we're not Alice.
This is a hell hole and we are all searching for something we can't get.
My next thought is "broken hearts lie all around me."
Well, at least I'm listening to good quality music, right?

How have you been?
I've missed you a lot, especially my two beauties EnglishRose and Sammy.
I'm going to check out their blogs right now to see what they are up to.

Much love girls <3

I was trying to fly, but I couldn't find wings...

Hey lovelies

I binged 2 nights ago. I ate two rows of cake.

I didn't purge it but I wanted so badly. 

I felt strangely proud of myself for that until yesterday morning.

Waking up, the first thing I see is the empty plate on the night table. I rush to the scale, press the button with my big toe and the 0.0 shows up. I put one foot on the cold surface, but then I chicken out. I'm terrified of what I've done and can't face the numbers, so I remove my foot and go brush my teeth.

 I'm still thinking how badly I screwed up and I won't know until tomorrow because I slept at my dad's last night and he doesn't own a scale. God, I wish I had purged.

Yesterday I ate:

2 carrots 100

oatmeal 154

2 tbsp honey 128

cup of yogurt 156

Total: 538

Today I ate:

cherry bagel 290

cup of yogurt 156

I really really hope that will be it for today.

I'm glad the three of you still remember me.

I LOVE YOU. Seriously.

Rayya <3

Sammy Will try to do love <3

EnglishRose And daddy <3

Darling, how I missed you.

Hey lovelies
I haven't posted for a really really long time.
Sorry about that one, but now that I have a laptop I'll be posting more often.

My weight as of today is 151.2
I really don't know what's wrong with me.
It's been a year and 8 months since I've started this blog and my weight just goes up and down the same 15 pounds. I'm sick of that.

So I made a new plan.
I need to be 110 by Valentine's day.
That puts my allowance at about 800.
So starting tomorrow, I'm done with being a lazy ass.

Love you <3

154.6 and you're here to save me

And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind: Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in...

Hey loves.

I was wondering if you knew whose birthday it is today?
Marilyn Monroe.

I got to thinking.
She was normal, if not a little on the curvy side.
But she was IS considered a sex symbol.

We idealize, well, skeletons and keep Marilyn buried in the back of our minds.
Strange, don't you think?

As far as my life goes, I ate around 1000 calories. (peas, hot dog, fried potatoes)
I don't feel too bad about it, so I feel horrible about the fact that I don't feel bad for eating that much at all.
Eh, ED problems.

Still haven't got the gym membership.
I am going to go there on Wednesday even if it's the last thing I do.

Thank you, Norma Jean

You cover illness with flowers. And flowers die.

Hey loves.

I'm doing better.
I got my period on Sunday so the gym plan is delayed for now.

I watched Hunger Point last night and quite frankly it scared me to death.
I don't want to be like Shelly.
I don't want to shake and cry and beg at the sight of food.
But at the same time, I do.
That's weird, considering the fact that right now, food gives me panic attacks.

I can't really explain it very well but I get scared because of one of two things.
One: I will be tempted to eat and that's a no-no.
Two: I will eat so much I will have no other choice but to purge and I absolutely despise the purging me.

I guess I have two mindsets when it comes to food. Three maybe.
One of them is the anorexic one: Don'teatfoodisbadforyou youwillgetfatifyou eatthatpieceofcarrot teahastwocaloriesacup
The other is the bulimic one: Eateateatyouknowyou cangetridofitlateron whyshouldyourestrict whenyoucanexercise thehelloutofitand stillbeinthenegative

Strange thing is, I never really thought of using diet pills.
I feel like I'm cheating when I'm taking them, and cheating me is not me in control.
Cheating me is even filthier than the eating me because the cheating me appears to be something that she is not in her essence.

I seem so happy, don't I?

I want to be thin so badly.
That's partly the reason why I tried to trigger myself last night.
I accomplished the deed, but now I feel like a failure. Again.
I don't know.
Maybe it's got something to do with all the rain.
It seems that the sky has decided to flood the world.
And I am all about sunny kind of girl, so that doesn't go very well with my mood.

Lots of love to you girls <3

Jasmine

Hey loves
I've wanted to post for the longest time but I just didn't know what to write.

I feel like I've spiraled out of control of any kind.
I feel inept and inadequate.
I feel lost.

I do have a boyfriend now. It's N. He's not in town at the moment and he's coming on the 17th of June aka my 18th birthday. I need to be as thin as possible by then.

I haven't weighed myself since my last post. I'm terrified that I've gained up to 160 again although rationally I can't be more than 155.

I'm going to the gym on Monday. They are going to strip my soul naked and weigh me and measure and I'm going to be embarrassed but I deserve it because I'm a fat, lazy pig with no self control.

And I'm going to beg and plead and scratch at my mind to stop me from eating anything but it won't answer because it's been long lost in the whirlwind of this obsession I have.

I saw M a few days ago. He didn't see me, but as he was passing by, my breath hitched of its own accord and a thought slipped into my ears:

"He would've been yours if you were thinner because that's what happened last time when you had the reins in your grip. Do you forget that easily? Do you give up that easily? Remember the strong you."

Also, I've put my favourite Disney princess on my phone's wallpaper.
 She looks straight at me with those huge eyes and whispers:

"You want to be like me, don't you? 

Why eat then? 

Why make yourself feel guilty over and over again when you could just stop with this endless binge? 

Why do you look up to me when you are clearly not worthy of being my pupil?

 Look at me! 

 I am perfection.

 And I know the way, so get up and follow."

Just give me a reason

Hey loves.
I'm back under 150.
Very happy because of that.

Today I ate
a plate of peas
some bread
a bite of chicken

All adding up to no more than 500.

Also, very happy because of that.

I have some love problems.

See, there's this guy, M. He is the bane of my existence, the one who I can't get over. And he has gotten over me quite some time ago and now has a girlfriend of almost two years.

And then there's this other guy, N. We started of as friends but I've always had a hunch that he had a crush on me, which turned out to be true. Now, he plays basketball for Partizan, which is sth like the most popular club in our country. He is handsome as hell and a nice guy, all in all. AND he likes me A LOT. And I just can't force myself to be his girlfriend.

So make me, please.

Love you <3