What if the Devil doesn’t know he’s the Devil? — Cathrine Goldstein

Hey loves.

I kind of got myself back together.
So far the stitches are holding pretty well.
I still don't know what to do about M, but I'll get to him later.

I replaced the batteries yesterday.
When I stepped on the scale this morning, it showed 140.2.
I didn't feel a thing about that.
At all.

About my food diaries for the past couple of days, it went kind of like this:

Wednesday,  August 3:

390g oranges 183
9 pieces of toast 270
150g sour cream 98
250 ml tomato puree 74
propolis and 2tsp honey 58

totals: 683 kcal, 21g protein, 140g carbs, 14g fat, 12g fiber


Thursday, August 4:

190g oranges 89
2 pieces of toast 60
propolis and 2tsp honey 58

totals: 207 kcal, 4g protein, 50g carbs, 5g fat, 5g fiber


Friday, August 5:

190g oranges 89
propolis and 2tsp honey 58
13 pieces of toast 390
250 ml tomato puree 74
170g feta cheese 365

totals: 976 kcal, 39g protein, 135g carbs, 34g fat, 5g fiber


Saturday, August 6:

propolis and 2tsp honey 58
6 pieces of toast 180
170g feta cheese 365

totals: 603 kcal, 28g protein, 56g carbs, 29g fat, 0g fat

The worst part of it all is, myfitnesspal constantly reminds me that I am not eating enough.
I have a feeling I eat too much.
Yesterday, when I almost reached the 1000 mark, I had a serious panic attack.
Something like, you mustn't do that.
YOU MUST NOT EAT THAT.
STOP NOW.
It felt awful.

I can't stop with M.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
He refused to let me pay for the cab to come to his place.

We slept together again on the 4th.
He was so gentle it hurt me.
I can't really explain it well.
But when we are just kissing it feels like my chest is full to the point of bursting and I can still breathe.
He took a picture of us, while we were both stil clothed.
I almost went insane. I asked him what the hell does he think he is doing.
And he told me he's sending the picture to his brother.

He smoked weed and drank before I came.
We had a fight about condoms.
I threw a pillow at him and called him an idiot.
He told me no one gave him such a compliment in a long time.
I told him he deserved it.
He asked me why and I explained myself.
When we were at the end of our respectful ropes, he agreed to using protection.
I told him I adored him.
He said that he adored me too.
I almost laughed in his face and told him not to lie.
I bit my tongue on time though

I spent the night.
We kept our distance from each other.
At one point, I got up to light a cigarette.
When I was in the middle of it, he woke up and looked to my side of the bed.
Then he jumped up and started looking around.
I asked from the terrace what is it and he told me he thought I had left without waking him up.
I smiled and told him that I'd wake him up, if for nothing else, then to lock the door behind me.
He said nothing.

We had a huge fight while texting last night too.
About protection again.
It stared naively enough with me asking about his day and it turned into a fight when he told me he doesn't remember the night before.
Then he told me he remembers the basic story.
It was too late by then. I was royally pissed off.
I told him that he had lost the last ounce of trust I had in him.
I told him the general lines of what happened and gave him an ultimatum.
I told him that either we continue to see each other with protection and no arguments about it or we don't see each other at all and that it was his choice.
He told me he wanted us to see each other.

I really don't know what to think anymore.